Episode 88: Combat Anxiety and Stress in Kids by Helping Them Find Purpose

As we kick of a new year, Sissy and David discuss how giving our kids a sense of purpose can help them combat anxiety and stress, regulate anger, and ward off depression. And Melissa wraps things up by answering the important question: what is our purpose?

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Sissy Goff

Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.

David Thomas

I'm David Thomas.

Melissa Trevathan

And I'm Melissa Trevathan.

Sissy

And we are so glad you've set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast, we'll share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at this hour. Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.

Sissy

Happy New Year, David.

David

Happy New Year.

Sissy

So excited to be starting a new year and sad to be winding down the Raising Emotionally Strong portion of this season.

David

It's gone so fast.

Sissy

It's gone so fast. How do we get to the last section of this amazing book? If you've missed this before, somehow in all these recordings, if you don't have real emotionally strong boys today, go put it in your cart on Amazon or drive yourself to your local bookstore. Right. When you stop listening to this podcast because every person with a boy in their life needs this book.

David

You are so kind.

Melissa

Well, it's true.

David

I've been so grateful for all the conversations that we have had around this with so many neat guests and parents in the trenches. It's just been so fun to develop this content way beyond what I wrote in the book. I've just loved where we've gone this whole season.

Sissy

Me too. And we're going to keep doing that. Don't think our seasons ever. It's just part two.

David

We're really just getting going.

Sissy

That's right. With some worry free info.

David

Yes. We’ve got good stuff coming up.

Sissy

Yes. So, okay. I want to talk a little bit about the fact that you devoted the entire last third of this book to purpose, which I love that idea. I think it's so important for boys and girls. And will you talk a little bit about why why did you pick to do that?

David

Well, I would say two things come to mind as I think about it. I would say, first, I think boys by nature are missional creatures. Like I think they are always looking for a mission of some kind. And I think they're their best selves when they find it. And in a just even this week, I was talking with some parents about their firstborn son who's anxious and having trouble getting into the classroom.

David

And my first thought was, let's help his teacher, help him find some way to purpose. Like if he has a job in the classroom that he can go straight to. And sure enough, test driving that has helped so much in terms of just walking and feeling like I've got something to do and I'm being helpful. And it is the anxiety for him just feeling a sense of mission.

David

You know, I talk a lot with teenage boys about how they are their best selves when they are employed and exhausted, employed from a part time job, exhausted from a sport. So they've had a chance to get a lot of energy. And as we talked about in the strength of emotion, a lot of that physicality of their emotion out as well.

David

And I have long believed in boys having at least one part time job by the time they graduate from high school. And I think you'd say girls benefit so much from having those opportunities where they're working under other authority and getting feedback and having to manage their time well, all the different parts and pieces that happen. But I think it's again, back to that they feel a sense of purpose and mission when they do.

David

And, you know, it was fascinating when I was doing the research for this book just to come into all the evidence again of how all kids, not just boys, but all kids, benefit. In fact, I included a study that found that middle school students who mentored younger students, helping them with their study habits actually spent more time on their own homework, which again, is not surprising to think about.

David

And so I challenge parents so much to think about all the different ways that they can create purpose for boys all throughout development. I just feel so strongly about that.

Sissy

Well, it's funny to hear you talk about that because as you're saying that about having them help in the classroom, my man immediately went to I remember the first time my teacher asked me to do something really significant. I can picture myself standing at what were those things called in the hallways with the big It was like, But your paper and you did something.

Sissy

I got to do the Thanksgiving turkey and putting up all those little tail feathers on that turkey. And I remember not only feeling a sense of purpose, but I felt like I was doing something kind for my teacher who I adored. Mrs. Oliver, I can still remember fifth grade teacher. And I think as we think about the differences in purpose and that missionality (if that's even a word) between boys and girls, I think if we were to talk about boys wanting to make a difference, I think girls want to make a difference to someone else.

Sissy

They want to have the other person on the end of that purpose because as we talked so much about, girls are so relational. And I think that, you know, the whole idea of girls have more oxytocin being secreted in their brains. That's the nurturing hormone. It's just part of who God made girls to be and that they define themselves against this backdrop of relationship.

Sissy

And so when they can experience that same idea that they're making a difference to somebody else, it has so much impact. And like you talked about for boys, there are so many girls over the years that I have seen in the swirl of emotion that they're just, you know, like that helicopter we talk about sometimes going long or hunt down that if if they can find their way to or an adult in their life can help them find their way to a sense of purpose, I think it can pull them out of that emotional swirl.

Sissy

And had a girl two weeks ago that I was meeting with who was so stuck and she was a teenager and she kept talking about, I don't feel seen by my friends, I don't feel seen about my friends. And as she described her friends, I remember thinking, I don't know that you're going to feel seen by this group of friends and you may feel this way for the rest of the year.

Sissy

I mean, this just may be a hard place you're in. And I. I tried to help her move towards like, okay, if school's going to be hard, what's a place you can give? What's a place you can see that you make a difference? And she wouldn't go there with me. And she came back this past week for the first time.

Sissy

And it was so fascinating because she had been on her first college visit and I think she felt like she heard a choir of angels singing and she was walking around campus because I think she not only had hope that things will eventually get better, number one, but number two, it opened up all these places that she saw that she can make a difference.

Sissy

All these opportunities that they talked about on the college campus. And and obviously, we want to help girls connect their before. But I think that is one of the things I love for girls about having a sense of purpose. And I read a really cool study that talked about all these things that purpose does that helps kids, combats anxiety and stress.

Sissy

It helps regulate their anger. It wards off depression and even promotes overall happiness based on research on brain activity in kids. That's amazing. Yes. Makes such a difference.

David

Yeah.

Sissy

For boys and.

David

Girls. I was thinking about as you were talking a story that I put in the book that I loved so much that I actually learned from my daughter when she was in high school running cross-country. And she came home one day from practice and they had done these huge hills and she was still feeling the residual, the impact from that.

David

And she talked about when they were about two thirds up the hill, kind of that worst point where you just think, I can't make it one more moment. Her coach yelled out, I want you to find a friend who's struggling and start cheering them on. And I loved that so much. I called that section upward and outward. Like, what would it look like to kind of move outward in those moments when we're struggling that we can get so fixed on our own pain, on our own struggle?

David

And what my daughter said, which I loved and is so true, is like, you know, it didn't make the run any easier, but we were turning our attention in a different direction. And it's like I could only be so miserable running up the hill if I'm also cheering on my friend right now and so she was like, Keep going until you peak over that hill.

David

And I love the idea of thinking about all the ways that we could move our kids in that direction. We're not ignoring the pain. We're not pretending like struggles aren't real, right? But we're finding purpose and mission in the midst of that. That I think makes the experience of moving through the pain really different.

Sissy

Which if we're going to be honest, our job. That's what I feel in our job when I have been through really hard seasons of different things. Personally, there's so many times I think I'm so grateful to walk into this building and shut my door and be about other people because it keeps my focus off My self just feels like such a gift.

David

Absolutely. Well, I'm just so glad we're getting to talk about.

Sissy

Me.

Melissa

To.

Sissy

David. You want to know what one of my New Year's resolutions is for 2023?

David

I would love to know.

Sissy

I want to cook more yummy recipes.

David

Good for you. But, Sissy, do you have time for that? I mean, we are pretty busy.

Sissy

We are busy, but I'm using every plate meal kit so it's quick and simple and affordable. Everyplate is the most affordable meal delivery kit out there.

David

Oh, I see. You found a money saving hack to reach your resolution. Sounds like you've already conquered two resolutions for the new year.

Sissy

Yes. With every plate I can cook more and save money. It's a win win.

David

You know what else makes it a win? Every plate is delivered right to your door. So there's less grocery shopping, too.

Sissy

David, I own 2023, and it's only January.

David

I think I'm going to join you so I can mark three things off my 2023 goal list. And if you, our listeners want to join us, you can get started with every plate for just a $1.39 per meal by going to everyplate.com/podcast and entering code rbg139.

Sissy

$1.39 per meal. That's a savings of up to $134. Go to everyplate.com/podcast and enter code rbg139.

David

So that leaves just one last question Sissy What's that? When are you having me and Connie over for dinner? So let's break down a little bit of what purpose looks like across development and make mention of that a few minutes ago. We love thinking with parents in different pockets of development, what could this look like? And I had an example just this past week of what it could look like for a toddler.

Sissy

Who I need to listen to this.

David

And interestingly enough, I would be so curious if you had this happen in your office before, because it has happened probably five times now to me that I have some parents coming in to do a parent consultation of a boy and their childcare falls through at the last minute and they have to bring one of their younger kids with them.

David

And I'm so great with that when that happens. So I had a little two year old guy in my office and needless to say, while we were talking, he destroyed about every inch of my office. I mean, I think I have a good thousand Legos in this space, and all 4000 of them were spread out across the floor and my building blocks and all kinds of things.

David

And as our time ended, his parents got up and just started walking toward the door and his mom was even having to take gigantic steps to get to the door to find a safe place to put her foot, because there was so much on the floor that it didn't occur to any of them would be a good thing to clean up before they left.

David

And so I have had that happen so many times now. I'm always fascinated by the parents feeling okay with leaving a space in that way. But more than that, I'm really sad for those kids that they don't feel a sense of learning early on. Like when I play with something, I need to clean that up before I leave and that for toddler age kids, that's where purpose starts.

David

Like this sense of I went into someone's space, they shared all these fun things for me to do. And it's my job at this point to help with clean it out before we leave. And so I would say we've talked before on this podcast, just a great reminder again that as soon as kids can walk, they can pick up toys, they can help lower that bottom shelf of the dishwasher.

David

Think of as many ways as we can fold in opportunities for them to feel like they contribute to the family, to being helpful in other spaces. So I would say it starts early.

Sissy

I love that. Yes, good reminders for me with the boy. So then we move to elementary aged kids, which is we both it's funny, I think when we teach parenting seminars where we're talking about development, which we love to do, you always talk about in this window if a boy was ever going to get stuck in his development, and I do the same.

Sissy

It's just such a rich time with them. And as we know, if you haven't listened to season two of the podcast, we're talking about development. And I call girls not in elementary school, but as they're moving towards adolescence, early adolescence in the narcissistic years. And so the giving and purpose isn't going to be quite as natural for them.

Sissy

So in these elementary age years, when it is more kind of a response of who they are, so often we want to really lean into that and get them volunteering, helping around the house, but also outside of the home. And so thinking about regularly as a family, baking a cake for someone in your neighborhood that might be having a hard time or making a meal and taking it to someone.

Sissy

And and I think for those kids we talk so much about, kids are experienced learners and and not just doing something, but actually being able to take it and see it land on the other person's face. Any time we can do that, taking them to go rake leaves at a neighbor's house with you. We don't have a lot of leaves in January, but come next fall that we're just thinking about places we can fold that in together where they can see the difference that their time and energy in their hearts make in the life of someone else.

Sissy

Soup kitchens are a great place to do that with elementary age kids, a habitat house, anytime they can give. And again, see that walked out where they experience purpose is going to take root in a way that they really need it through the next stage of development. So you jump in with middle schoolers that that paved the way for you.

David

Here we go into that of stretch, which when we teach on raising boys and girls, we talk about it's what every developmental theorist would agree is the worst episode of a kid's life. And so in that complicated space where kids are never going to feel more unsure of themselves, more insecure, more uncomfortable in their own skin, they desperately need opportunities to feel a sense of purpose, like they matter to the world.

David

And so I talk a lot with stage three boys about how I want them to help tutor a younger kid and a subject. They're strong and I want them to come back and help coach a younger sibling soccer team If they've aged out of vacation Bible school, come back and be the assistant recreation leader. Like there just are so many ways and possibilities.

David

You know, that's that tricky space where a lot of kids might be too old to go to certain camps, but too young to get a part time job. Well, there are still, as you just voiced, so many opportunities for kids to volunteer. And so in the summers in particular, I really want to encourage parents to think creatively and strategically about those kind of opportunities even before kids are eligible to get a part time job where they can see a lot of mission and purpose.

David

Yeah, what about the high school years?

Sissy

It's a little easier. Again, you know, I can think of so many kids over the years that have just lit up when they talk about going on mission trips and doing different things, volunteering in places, sometimes with groups of friends, sometimes with their family, sometimes on their own. And, you know, Dan SIEGEL talks in his great work around teenage brains about how the way that their brains are wired is they're seeking new experiences.

Sissy

And so when we can connect to that with an opportunity for them to give, it makes a difference. And like we have talked about the kids here who were most concerned about from even a depression and suicide perspective are the ones who don't see that their life matters. And so helping them find that and I found another great study out of Berkeley that talked about teens who seek purpose, not even just experience it, but seek it, report more life satisfaction, more happiness.

Sissy

And it's linked to better physical health for them and I love the things that it mentioned when it was talking, when it was conceptualizing what that sense of purpose looks like. It talked about traveling abroad, which mission trips, and they can be local or abroad in either place. But that's a new experience. It talked about spending time in nature.

Sissy

So getting kids to take to volunteer with a scout troop or something where they're having chances to take kids outside, they're outside themselves giving back in those ways, getting involved in meaningful social change, which I love that idea of had so many girls find things they're passionate about and start to give to in high school, that I think has continued to be a passion that that weaves into their adult lives too.

Sissy

And then it talked about establishing contemplative practices, which is really, you know, that faith that that they can't probably talk about as directly as we could, but that that can can sure anchor kids to a sense of purpose which I love. So any of those places. Yes. High school kids. Okay. I want to talk about it in another aspect.

Sissy

This can be something different than we've ever done before. Okay, You ready?

David

Ready.

Sissy

So, you know, sometimes more on other people's podcast. They do these rapid fire questions at the end. We're not such rapid fire except about k so Glock and tacos. Now that's our tacos. So let's rapid fire about purpose. David So if you were going to answer the sentence or fill in the blank, purpose interrupts blank of things we see kids struggle with, Where would you start?

David

Wow, that's a great question. I like the idea of that. Okay, I got to Rapid Fire. You said, Yep. I'm going to say that purpose interrupts entitlement.

Sissy

Oh, good. Why?

David

I'm going to say it does because, you know, we talked so much in our office with parents who are worried about their kids being entitled. And to the degree that I feel like I have a mission, there's less opportunity. Even the story I was told to be thinking about myself, to be camped out in my pain and my struggle, in my whatever we want to fill in the blank with.

David

What would you say?

Sissy

I would say Purpose interrupts insecurity. Research says time and time again that one of the best predictors of confidence in kids is them having a chance to make a difference somewhere else. I mean, it is that basic. It's going to interrupt their insecurity.

Melissa

Okay, what else?

David

I'm going to say? It interrupts a lack of empathy. Who? I had my hundredth conversation with a parent yesterday about all the ways this family has seen their family Pat be of benefit, but in particular for their son to develop more empathy. The mom said, you know, he struggles to get there with his sisters, but it's amazing to see him flex the muscle of empathy when he is walking the dog, when he's cleaning up after the dog, when he's bathing the dog.

David

I mean, as she sees evidence of patients, so many things that she's wanting to see. But empathy in particular. Yes. What else would you say.

Sissy

That purpose interrupts anxiety. And I think, you know, we would both say boys and girls who are anxious feel incapable so much of the time. They don't feel like they can do whatever the scary thing is in front of them. And so any time kids have a sense of purpose, it makes them feel more capable for all the things.

Sissy

And so it's going to help propel them into the scarier things. There's going to be a ripple ever effect in that, too.

David

All right. So let's talk about a few practical things.

Sissy

Okay? I love that.

David

So first thing I want to throw out is I want to encourage parents to ask questions to help kids find their way to purpose.

Sissy

Yes.

David

You are those that we love to encourage you to ask. It's just think about naming a time when you felt purpose. So if you've done something together as a family, think on that particular time. And what did it feel like? How did it impact you? And then jumping off from there with a question, maybe like where would you like to invest more of your time in a purposeful way?

David

So this could be some great questions to just sit around the dinner table and have some conversation about Let everybody answer this.

Sissy

Yes.

Sissy

It's a new year and we are so excited about what we have coming on the podcast in 2023. We have loved walking with you these past few years, and one of our goals this year is to get to know you better. We've put together a listener survey so we can learn how to better support your parenting journey.

You can find it on the Raising Boys and Girls Instagram bio or go to RaisingBoysandGirls.com/survey. We know your time is valuable, so thank you for spending a few moments sharing your thoughts with us. And as a bonus, when you complete the survey you'll be entered to win a Raising Boys and Girls book library. We’ll draw a winner on April 1st.

David

What's another practical idea you throw out?

Sissy

I would say to share purposes a family. You are their hero. So when they're adolescents, they're not going to tell you that or they're not going to act like it. But it's still certainly true. And so when they see that you're doing that and inviting them into it, I think it's going to have more impact on them than we're even aware.

Sissy

And so to come up with something like, you know, one Sunday afternoon, a month as a family, we're going to go volunteer or even a corner if that feels hard. But we're going to do something together that benefit someone else. And and let's talk about our passions. Let's go through some of those questions and let's think about what can we do that each person, you know, is represented at different times of we're going to do something that you feel passionate about and and we're all going to understand, learn more about you and lean in to love you a little differently as we step into what matters to you.

Sissy

And I think it not only would be a shared, enjoyable experience and bonding, connecting time for you as a family, but again, they're experiencing that sense of I can make a difference to someone else and I get to do it in my family.

David

Well, and building on that something you said, it's a place I'd love to lean in here at the end is what matters to you. I think the mistake we can make is coming up with too many ideas as parents for kids or for our family, as opposed to really involving them in the brainstorming process and saying, what are things you feel really passionate about?

David

What are places where you want to serve? Where there are things in our community that we as a family can do together, and making a list, but making sure we're really including our kids voices in that and then letting them pick from that list. But if they don't pick, if they're like, I don't really want to do any of this, we talked about this a little bit like activities that we'll pick for you.

David

But if you're not going to pick one activity that involves moving, your body will pick an activity for you. Or if you're not going to pick one activity that involves our family finding our way to purpose or serving or outreach, then we'll pick for you. And so I think starting with that list in their ideas, but not compromising and knowing this is something we want to be about as a family, that's where we want to end.

Sissy

Yes. And I mean, David, if you had to go back, like when I think about being a teenager in particular, I can think about a couple of different places that I was experiencing a sense of purpose with younger kids, younger girls. And I think so much of that got ignited in me that I'm still doing today. Would you say this is silly?

David

We would say that, yes.

Sissy

I mean, I think having that sense of God can use me feels overwhelming and amazing. And I think it can change us and it sure has. You. Me Do you have any way you'd finish that out?

David

I was going to finish it with this verse that you and I loved from Proverbs 1125 that just says, A generous person will prosper. Whoever refreshes, others will be refreshed.

Sissy

Amen.

David

We want to leave you with that. True today and now Melissa is going to bring us some timeless truth.

Melissa

There is a longing inside of each one of us to make a difference, to have impact, to have purpose. It is deeply embedded in our heart. Even as a child, I was aware of this longing as I begin to grow up in my early teens. I started asking this question What is really important? Now you might think a child doesn't really ask that, but this one did.

Melissa

And I think many of yours are asking that same question. What are supposed to be? What am I doing? As I got a little older as a teenager. Matthew 2237 30, 39 became my answer. It is where Jesus says, after being asked by one of the Pharisees what's most important? Which command is God's law is the most important?

Melissa

And Jesus said, Love the Lord, your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment, and the second is love your neighbor as yourself. In the message, Jesus said, Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence and love others as well as you loved yourself.

Melissa

These two commandments are pigs, everything in God's law, and the Prophet hangs from them. So that was my answer. My purpose is to love God and to love others. But most of the time, I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to have purpose because I wanted to be someone. And then John 13, verse 34 Let me give you a neat command.

Melissa

He says, Love one another in the same way I loved you. You love one another. How is that me and how is that different? I knew it was different because the pressure was not so much on me. I don't remember why I was, but it's when I began to recognize I cannot do it. It is me beginning to experience and know the love of God.

Melissa

And because of the love of God that I can love other people. But that was my purpose. John Piper says it means to live out the love of God and live on the love of God. About a year ago, I got a message from someone, and here's what she said. I'm just wondering, were you a camp counselor at a girls auxiliary camp at Jonathan Creek in the 1960s?

Melissa

And she went on to say, I came to know Jesus. And Melissa Treverton was one of the counselors. She made an impact on me. So many years ago, we never know, she said, where God is sowing seeds that will flourish. You sewed some in me, and I wanted to thank you for giving of yourself back then. She said, I'm almost 70 and my daughter is now 21 and I can't wait to share with her that I've talked to you.

Melissa

As I read that, I was picturing and remembering that camp. I remember I loved it. I remember laughing. I remember the girls putting my clothes on the flagpole. And I remembered all the jokes we played on each other. I remember the sense of belonging, but I had no idea I made a difference in someone's life. 58 years later, I heard from one of the campers and she talked to your kids about having purpose and making a difference.

Melissa

Making an impact. I think it's important to remember that they may not know. They make an impact, and that can be very discouraging if they believe that someone is going to immediately respond to them. They likely won't know because so many times people don't respond. At the same time, they will make a difference. I have a picture in my mind of a chair at our camp called Hope Town, where a camper will sit in the chair summer after summer and ask a question.

Melissa

This summer there is 117 year old boy who asks the question, What have you seen special in me this week? Can you imagine asking that question to about 50 people? And the next thing that you see your hands raised? This is so important. Hand raised. And camp means I have something to say. I want to participate. It means I can make a difference.

Melissa

And to make a difference, to do something of importance. And oh, how important it is to use our voices, our hands or presence to engage, support, to strengthen, to encourage, to remind, or maybe just to sit with the dance swaying or sing or cook, but purpose and meaning, having a reason for living, all things that we desire. But until we raise our hand for someone, do we begin to experience the joy, the truth we are all searching for?

Melissa

To raise your hand, to live truth, to have impact, to make a difference. Takes practice. And that's the last thing that I want to say is practice. Raising our hand is not natural. At camp, that's the first thing I have the kids do is practice. I say, I'm not going to call on you. Just practice. Who wants to pray?

Melissa

And I let them practice raising their hands. By the end of the week, I say, Who wants to pray? And those hands go up and I do get to call them through practicing, loving, making a difference, experiencing truth becomes real to us. It can be the day by day moment to say something encouraging, to listen to someone, to say, Sit here by me.

Melissa

It can be very, very simple. But I believe with all my heart that the truth will be confirmed within you. This is what you're made for. The more you experience each day what it's like to love other people. That's our purpose.

Sissy

It’s our joy to bring the experience and insight we gained through our work beyond the walls of the Daystar House.

David

If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with your friends. And don't forget to click the follow button in your favorite podcast app. So you never miss an episode. To learn more about our parenting resources or to see if we're coming to a city near you, visit our website at Raising Boys and Girls dot com.

Sissy

Join us next time for more help and hope as you continue your journey of raising boys and girls.

Guest UserJanuary 10, 2023

Episode 88: Combat Anxiety and Stress in Kids by Helping Them Find Purpose

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