Episode 86: What Kids Need Right Now: Holiday Edition

Christmas cover image artwork of the little yellow house by Katie Plunkett for Daystar Counseling Ministries.

'Tis the season for non-stop holiday events, family travel, and breaks in our healthy routines, so Sissy and David share some practical ways we can help spread more cheer and less anxiety for our kids during this Christmas Season.

Automated Transcript

Sissy Goff

Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.

David Thomas

I'm David Thomas.

Melissa Trevathan

And I'm Melissa Trevathan.

Sissy

And we are so glad you've set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast, we'll share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at this hour. Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.

David

Sissy, you have a new book coming out this year, and I could not be more excited. What's it about?

Sissy

It's called the Worry Free Parents. I want to help parents do everything they can to attend to their own anxiety.

David

It changes the game for kids when parents do.

Sissy

Yes, it does. We have seen first hand how different it can be when parents work through their own anxiety, because when they don't, it spills out onto their kids.

David

So what are some things that help parents?

Sissy

Actually, David, I've been telling more and more parents about the mobile app. I love the apps Meditations for Anxiety and how they link scripture to those meditations.

David

The end of the year sure can bring on a lot of stress and anxiety from all the shopping travel prep, party planning. There's a lot to manage amidst the chaos.

Sissy

That's why I keep recommending the Abide Sleep and Pray Meditation app. It's the number one Christian meditation app.

David

They have a meditation for anxiety called The Secret to Rest. That's based on Proverbs 19:23.

Sissy

I love the one on Overcoming anxiety. That's based on first Peter 5:7.

David

The Abide app is an incredible tool that parents can use to refocus their hearts and minds on the true peace that comes from Jesus.

Sissy

Yes. And then they'll be so much more ready to help their kids. Right now, we have a special offer for our listeners. When you subscribe, get 25% off your first year when you sign up for the premium subscription, but only if you text our promo code RBG to the number 22433.

David

I love being able to help parents with a deal on this app. Download Abide Sleep and pray meditation today and text our promo code RBG to the number 22433 and get 25% off.

Sissy

Merry Christmas, David Thomas!

Sissy

Merry Christmas, Sissy Goff!

Sissy

Thank you!

David

The countdown is on.

Sissy

It is. Okay. I have a question for you. Christmas question. What Christmas Carol, have you been listening to the most lately?

David

You know what I've been listening to a lot lately that is just making me smile? So I have loved this season Carrie Underwood's new Christmas record. And on Little Drummer Boy, she sings with her son. Have you heard that song?

Sissy

No, I haven't heard it.

David

Oh, my goodness. It's so sweet. Makes me smile every time. And you know how I love a kid who switches their R's and W's out? Little bitties? And so he’ll say “dwum.”

Sissy

Oh.

David

Bwing and dwum. I love that. So much it makes me smile every time. The whole record is beautiful. She's just so crazy talented.

Sissy

Yeah, So crazy talented.

David

So it’s a little dwummuh boy. What about you? What are you listen to and loving?

Sissy

Well, we haven't talked about my last adventure at the Choir Room, which is this new thing that I discovered. Not that I'm the only one, but from Instagram with a choir director. I don't know what all the things he does named Dwan Hill. And he has in Nashville - they're trying to expand it to other cities... But he has this event once a month and everybody who goes, you sit kind of in the round and he's in the center with this amazing band, of course, because we're in Nashville. And if you're there, you're in the choir. And so you're assigned like there's a soprano section and alto S.A.S., but you literally learn the line and then you sing it. And so I went Monday night, okay, If you had to guess, this is a quiz on how well you know me. If you had to guess what Gospel Singers Christmas album I might be most excited to sing, who would you guess?

David

Cece Winans?

Sissy

No, shoot, I didn't preface that well enough. David. Maybe I should have said male.

David

Male?

Sissy

Yeah.

David

Gospel singers, Christmas album.

Sissy

This is too hard. I'm going to answer it for you.

David

It is. Answer.

Sissy

Kirk Franklin.

David

Oh, yes.

Sissy

So we sang this song that I've never heard and I cannot get it out of my head. And I've listened to it. I mean, I feel a little concerned about anyone who's driven by me in the last few days because I am doing some serious dancing in my car. Listening to “Jesus is the Reason for the Season.” And it's not like any “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” I had never heard before.

Sissy

It's so good. So y'all need to listen to both of those songs. Kirk Franklin and the Family, I think is what the album's called. I don't know the title of the album, but “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” and yours is Carrie Underwood.

David

Yes, “The Little Drummer Boy.” Yes. Go find it.

Sissy

That's so fun.

David

It is.

Sissy

Well, so in these weeks leading up to Christmas, we spend a lot of time prepping families, prepping kids. And we know from a lot of years of conversations that these are some of the hardest really in so many ways for kids and families. But the damn image of what happens when often we travel home and kids are out of routine and they are more anxious, they're less regulated, we are often more anxious, less regulated.

Sissy

I always think, too, that often when we go back home for holidays, we become whatever the latest age was. We lived when we were at home, emotionally, that's like we revert back. You know, there are just so many different things. And so when we talked about this episode, I love the idea of coming up with some plans to help families, help kids help ourselves.

Sissy

What can we do in preparation for the holidays and all that comes with that. And so because we.

David

Do that.

Sissy

Well and girls and boys, you know, we need to talk about anxiety. We need to talk about self regulation, which is what this whole season has been about. So you need to jump in.

David

Jump right in. Okay, You go first.

Sissy

Let's talk about anxious kids. So three really practical things I would love for you to think about over the holidays and really not just the 3 to 5 days you spend with your family, but just in general. I think one of the hardest things hands down for kids is the lack of routine, because we know we talk so much about that sense of routine and structure makes kids feel more secure.

Sissy

And so to be intentional and this is a lot to add to your list right now when there are a million things on it. But to be intentional about thinking through what kind of structure can you create for your kids over these next few weeks where maybe they even have rest time every day or, you know, you just have specific things you're folding into the rhythm of the day.

Sissy

So it feels like there's some structure around it, especially for anxious kids, I think is really important. Second is with your anxious kids, we love a good code word. We talk about it in a million different ways. And so for your kids, if they start to feel really anxious, even if they start to feel dysregulated and we always feel like it's good to talk about ahead of time with them where they feel it first in their body.

Sissy

So as they start to feel their time, he gets fluttery or their hands get hot, or however your kids would describe it. At that moment, they turn and say to you, Can we go for a walk or whatever the code word is. So, you know, that's a moment you want to pull away. And you know, with little ones we talk about co regulating and then older ones helping them talk themselves through it.

Sissy

But that we have a way they can immediately get our attention and we can pull away and help them find their own voice, find what they need in that moment. Those will be two really practical things. And then the third, and I want you to help me brainstorm this, but thinking take your coping tools with you that we're practicing ahead of time, reminding them about breathing, grounding all the things we talk about with anxiety, and that we've literally got a little pack that can travel in the car with us where you have and we can put some links to this in the show notes and different things.

Sissy

But stress balls, fidgets, pipe cleaners can be a great thing for kids to have in the car to find and unwind. But little bubble wrap that they have headphones where they can get some of the noise out, especially if you're doing a long car trip and you've got multiple kids. I think that can be really helpful. Crayons, coloring books, weighted stuffed animals to have a photo in their little backpack that they can pull out that's anchoring for them emotionally.

Sissy

Got something to chew on, Suck on anything that's going to be grounding. Just have a pack that you immediately know where it is. You pull out whether you're in the car or whether you're at their grandparents and they're starting to get dysregulated in that moment. What would you add? What else would you put in it?

David

I love that you threw that out because I call that the travel space in the new workplace where we're taking those ideas on the road with us. I think it's fantastic. Yeah, I even had a family who threw their little mini trampoline in the back of their SUV and took it to the grandparents house. Yes. Which I thought good for you.

David

Kind of threw it, flung it right on top of all the luggage. And then we had it with us. We kind of jump out the worry.

Sissy

Yes. The more we can do on the front side, preventatively, I think the better. Everything's going to go throughout the season. Yeah. Okay. What about dysregulated kids? What would you add?

David

Well, it's interesting. I was just talking yesterday in this office with a family, and they've been saving, saving, saving for years to go to Disney and they're so excited and they're going to be there for six days over the Christmas break. And the mom said she said and so hopeful and also worried that we could turn the happiest place on earth into the saddest place on Earth.

David

She said, I'm just so worried. We have all this anticipation, all this expectation, and I'm prepared for a lot of dysregulation and meltdowns. And one of the great things they're doing, which I want families listening to think about applying this mindset to your Christmas break wherever you're going to be, she said. We're going to go pretty hard for two days, and then on day three, we're going to sleep in.

David

We're going to swim at the swimming pool, we're going to go slow. Like there's all this expectation, like we need to do more and more and more. And so think on that as you're navigating Christmas break. If you're going to be in your home, if you're going to be visiting extended family, like what would it look like to create those pauses along the way?

David

Because I love that you talked about structure. That was one of the things I was thinking about, that, you know, this season is a time of so much more and we could fill in the blank after that. So much more stimuli and so much more activity, so much more gift giving, you know, all these things that are great things.

David

But too much of even a good thing sometimes is too much. And so how could we in a season where we're dialing up a lot of stimulation, also dial up a lot of structure, because as you're saying, that's a part of what helps anxious kids. It's a part of what helps dysregulated kids kind of anchor and ground themselves again.

David

And so think about that dialing movement when it's going to be a season of probably dialing up a lot of screen time also. So we want to dial up some healthy things alongside dialing up some of these natural things that are just going to be a part of this break.

Sissy

But I like that.

David

David Yeah, I would say the other thing I would want to encourage parents is that we have a window of opportunity in front of us to practice more and we talk so much about practice all the time and that when we're not having to race out the door every single morning at the crack of dawn to get kids to school and us to work, like when we have some slower days and we have 35 hours back in our week because kids aren't in a school building, that there's more opportunity for practice.

David

In fact, I had a family say we purposely have not worked through sissy sport, but braver, stronger, smarter, or you're strong and smart. We saved it till after Christmas and we're going to have some longer time to really do a deep dive and tackle it. And I loved even the way they were thinking about that. And so they're trying to squeeze everything in on weekends.

David

And so let this be practice time with kids who are struggling with regulation. I talk so much about healthy outward movement like that's what we want to be working toward taking the emotion to something constructive. Because just this week I had a dad tell me he has a five year old son that he was with two of his buddies and he fell while they were walking at the park and he got really embarrassed.

David

And the dad said I could see him starting to tear up. And he turned around and hit his dad in the leg, which is such a picture. What I see with boys like I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed, and I'm going to move that outward in anger and you know that turning it on somebody thing. So that's outward movement, but it's not healthy outward movement.

David

And I think, you know, sadly, I read yet another story of a 19 year old boy in an accidental overdose there. Again, that's movement toward a substance. It's not healthy movement. And so this is a time to be thinking on the great tools and ideas you just threw out, like, how could we arm ourselves with those? And to what I'm saying, really be practicing while we've got some extra time set aside, some extra room, some extra space?

David

What else would you say?

Sissy

I was just thinking as you're saying that I mean, I feel like what we're seeing is kind of geared toward littles, that you're going to pack the bag for them and you're going to maybe take them any drama if you gain that in in your car or whatever else. But with adolescents, maybe it's sitting down and having a purposeful conversation with them to say, okay, we know that sometimes things can get stressful when you're at your grandmother's or when we're in the car together for long periods of time.

Sissy

I heard these people talk about for younger kids about carrying a pack. What would help you like, What can I do? Can we run to Target and get you some things that you know will help in the car? What can I do to support you that we're having realistic, honest conversations about it, I think can make such a difference.

David

We talked in an earlier episode about families working together to come up with a top five list of coping strategies like this would be a great time to really.

Sissy

Brainstorm.

David

It with the pre, mid and late adolescents in your life, and you do it with them as parents. Let them see you coming up with your own list of coping skills.

Sissy

Okay, that brings me to the other thing I think we need to talk about. What About parents.

David

Sissy, have you finished your Christmas shopping yet?

Sissy

I've got a few more things to pick up on my list, but I'm doing pretty well considering it's the middle of December. What about you, David?

David

Sissy, Christmas shopping is Connie's department. I have no idea how her list is coming along, but I'm sure she's on it. I just show up a few days before Christmas and hold the tape while she laughs.

Sissy

You know, David, you could get a little more involved this year, at least by giving her some gift ideas. You know, my favorite idea that I've been sharing with parents this year, the Explorer Bible for kids.

David

Everyone knows we love this Bible. And I've told Connie it makes the perfect, meaningful Christmas gift for kids.

Sissy

Giving a child a Bible for Christmas is so, so special. I'd wrap one up for Henry if he didn't already have and love his Explorer Bible for kids.

David

There is so much to love about this Bible. It's so colorful and engaging. You know, a full text Bible can be really overwhelming for kids, but the explore Bible adds so much interactive content that captures their attention.

Sissy

Yes, like the pictures and maps and charts. David, are we still offering that special good for our listeners?

David

We sure are. All you have to do is go to Lifeway.com and use our code RBG to get 50% off.

Sissy

Finish up your Christmas shopping right now at Lifeway.com by using the code RBG to get 50% off the Explorer Bible for Kids.

Sissy

So thinking about you, a few things we would encourage. One thing is to manage your own stress and expectations because I think even around the holidays, a lot of any of our stress, certainly my stress comes from things not being how we pictured, how we worked out in our minds. They were going to look what was going to happen next.

Sissy

And being aware of that and being present in the moment, and that when we get anxious exactly what you said, that we're finding our way into our own healthy outward movement and processing it in positive ways. Because like we have talked about a million times, that one of the best really predictors of anxiety in kids is anxiety and us and them watching us experiencing it.

Sissy

Even hearing us talk in ways that are more intense. We just I get so intense and then I think it ripples out every single time. And so being aware of that and doing the work we need to do.

David

You know what makes me laugh, as you say that what the mommy told me, the Disney story. Yeah. I said to her, I want you to manage your expectations about that because somebody in your family is going to melt down at Disney. I sit and it might be, you know, expectations are too high. It just might be you.

Sissy

That’s so good.

David

But I love that wisdom in that challenge. And I said to the mom, and if you look to your left or to your right or in front or in back of you, someone is melting down in every corner of Disney because there's so much amazing opportunity and so much stimulation and that somebody is melting down somewhere. Yes. One great thing I'd love to revisit, we talked a long time ago about this family experiment that we love.

David

And I think moving toward the end of this year and heading into a brand new year that we love to encourage families to revisit is the family mission statement. So I want to walk you through that real quick as as a reminder, if you thought, ooh, I'd like to do that, and then I forgot to, this is something super easy to do.

David

You can do it with kids of any age. Even kids who can't ride could be a part of this. And what's going to happen is you just need four sheets of paper and a pencil. That's it. And on the first sheet of paper, sit around the table and brainstorm all the things you do together as a family on a given week, select kids, throw in ideas.

David

I go to school, you go to work, basketball, gymnastics, church, whatever it is that you do on the second sheet, brainstorm a list of all the things you wish you did more of as a family. So let everybody have a voice in this. There aren't any good ideas or bad ideas, just different ideas. So kids might say, I wish we could go to a water park.

David

I wish we could go to Disney. Parents might say, I wish we played more board games. I wish we volunteered more as a family. Just make a list of things you wish you could do more of, and then on the third sheet, write a family mission statement and it could be one sentence or a couple sentences, a short paragraph.

David

It could include a family scripture. It could be your core values as a family. There's not a right or wrong way to approach this, But just think about it. Any parent listening, your place of employment has a mission statement. Your church has a mission statement. Every organization has some kind of statement that speaks to what the organization is about.

David

And so we love to really challenge families to think about doing that. And then the last step is you hold up that mission statement against those first to list and look at, okay, how do all the things we do in a given week line up with who we want to be, How do all the things we wish we did more of line up with who we want to be as a family?

David

And then on the last sheet, you just get a do over all right, what do we want to do different? And it's so fun. We've given this assignment to families over the years, and it's just so fun to have them come back and see what they brainstorm. We have heard so many different ideas from kids of all ages of what they've come up with on that fourth page.

David

In fact, it might be kind of fun. You could post some of those things.

Sissy

They'll tell us.

David

What did you come up with from this?

Sissy

Come back to the post on Instagram about this episode and tell us.

David

There you go.

Sissy

Yes.

David

Any other ideas?

Sissy

Well, so I just have been thinking. I mean, we've been talking so much about kids being entitled post COVID. I feel like I'm having a conversation every day in my office right now about the lack of flexibility, the rigidity with kids. And, you know, obviously anxiety is a piece of that. And for all of us, you know, I think one time we talked about on social media and someone said, why?

Sissy

Why are kids more entitled? And so much of it that we have said is that in the pandemic that there was just a lot of not having to accommodate other people, that we got to do what we wanted when we wanted all of it, that I think none of us had to have the degree of flexibility and thinking about that.

Sissy

It's both things that it's we're going to create routine for them in this season and we want them to learn to be flexible and thinking about to. I mean, they were just sitting here, you and I, both knowing that the holidays are mixed, you know, that there's going to be so much good and you get to have all your college kids home and you're going to miss your mom like crazy.

Sissy

And I say that. But you know that I'm so excited about I mean, I love Santa Claus and I love the magic and the wonder of all that silly part of Christmas. I'm so excited to share all that with Henry. I cannot wait. And Whit doesn't really get it yet, but. And I'm going to miss my mom like crazy, you know, And that every person listening to some degree, the holidays are mixed.

Sissy

You know, I just have been thinking about all those things moving into it. And I was creating a silly little post on Instagram and thinking specifically about all of the people moving toward Bethlehem, thinking about Mary and thinking about me. And can you imagine how mixed her life was in that season and just that the discomfort of being pregnant and riding on a donkey?

Sissy

Like what was that like? Yes. Can't even imagine. Can you imagine Joseph and what he felt like knowing he was about to Father God's child like the discomfort, the flexibility he had to have that was even thinking about the wise. And I tried to Google like, how long were they really on the camels? And there's some discrepancy weeks, months, we don't really know.

Sissy

But a long time, 3 hours on a camel with her. And you know that everything about Christmas is wrapped up in life, not looking like we thought it would. Darkness and discomfort and having to be flexible. I mean, there's just so much unpredictability in this whole mystery of this day. And I kept going back to John one five about the light shines in the darkness and the darkness hasn't ever come in and that we have this season where we get to teach kids the good that comes out of waiting, the good that comes out of discomfort, the light that shines in the darkness that is so bright, that is the star that the wise men

Sissy

followed. You know, that that this day really encapsulates the gospel to us and the love of God that we get to live in and remember and celebrate together. And so to go back to even in the moments where it's hard to say that we're uncomfortable, that we're having to have flexibility, that we're feeling the hurt of longing and loss and all of that that we go back to with the kids that we love.

Sissy

And this is what this season is about, that we get to sit in those reminders and talk about it to be honest and have realistic conversations, go on the way and acknowledge it. I think is such an important thing.

David

Amen.

Sissy

Well.

David

All that singing and preaching you and Kirk Franklin been doing in the car, we just got a little gift.

Sissy

Jesus is the reason for the season!

David

Thank you, ma'am.

Sissy

If I could sing better I’d sing it. Merry Christmas.

David

Merry Christmas.

Jess Wolstenholm

Hi, I'm Jess Wolstenholm, mom of two and director of Education and Faith Formation for Minno, a streaming service for Christian families. I love it when David and Sissy share their What Kids need right Now episodes. It's so helpful as a parent to understand how we can support our kids right now and meet their most pressing needs. And I absolutely love that.

Jess

They shared a little bit about what parents need right now. Do you ever think about what you need, especially in the midst of the crazy holiday season? We're decking the halls and braving the malls. We're counting down to Christmas with Bible verses and magical moments. We've planned and prepped and perhaps even packed the car with more stuff than anyone should need for a couple of days with family a few states away.

Jess

Sure, we still need to wrap the gifts and we've got a feast or two to plan and prepare. But can I give us permission right now to relax, to grab a cup of tea or hot cocoa and put our holiday socked feet up on the coffee table to pop in our favorite Christmas movie, the one that makes us smile and enjoy an hour or two of rest.

Jess

We've already done so much at this point. The greatest priority left on our to do list is soul care. So often we fall into the trap of making Christmas magical for our loved ones that it becomes a begrudge sure of ourselves. We miss out on all the wonder while we package it up and deliver it to our children and families and neighbors.

Jess

But we can grab hold of the beauty of Christmas. As parents. It's not too late. Let's make time to sit and read the Christmas story to soak in the miracle we are about to celebrate. Let's invite the guest of honor to our tables for a pre-party chat. I know a few moments used to fill up our hearts will pour out into the atmosphere of our homes and overshadow any practical preparations we could have otherwise made in that time.

Jess

He is calling us parents to be a larger part of the miracle this year. More than fancy decorations or delicious food or perfect presents, he is calling us to fill our souls with his presence and in turn be his hands and feet. As we lead our families to do the same. He wants us to fully enjoy Christmas, and if we pause to take care of ourselves, he will take care of the rest.

Jess

We can respond, as Mary did with a posture bent towards the father ready to receive his blessing. If we just slow down long enough to sit and rest, I know he'll meet our weariness with a breath of heaven.

Sissy

It's our joy to bring the experience and insight we gain through our work beyond the walls of the Daystar House.

David

If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with your friends. And don't forget to click the follow button in your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode to learn more about our parenting resources or to see if we're coming to a city near you, visit our website at Raising Boys and Girls dot com.

Sissy

Join us next time for more help and hope as you continue your journey of raising boys and girls.

Guest UserDecember 13, 2022

Episode 86: What Kids Need Right Now: Holiday Edition

LINKS

Automated Transcript