Episode 79: Building Strong Emotional Connection for Kids with Their Parents and Peers
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In David's new book, Raising Emotionally Strong Boys, he talks about the two P's that play a primary role in our kids' lives when it comes to relationships and human connection: Parents and Peers. He and Sissy discuss what they see kids and parents dealing with regularly, and offer some practical ideas that can help in developing and maintaining those connections. Melissa also shares her personal experience with our God-given desire for intimacy.
Links
Raising Emotionally Strong Boys: Tools Your Son Can Build On for Life by David Thomas
A special thank you to our partners of this week's episode:
Get glasses as ever-changing as you are, with Pair. Go to paireyewear.com/raisingboysandgirls for 15% off your first purchase.
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Automated Transcript
Sissy Goff
00;00;03;09
Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.
David Thomas
00;00;06;23
I'm David Thomas.
Melissa Trevathan
00;00;08;00
And I'm Melissa Trevathan.
Sissy Goff
00;00;09;24
And we are so glad you set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast, we'll share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at de SA Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help, and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.
Sissy Goff
00;00;40;01
We just recorded, which won't be out for a little bit, a very fun interview with Paula Faris.
David Thomas
00;00;45;23
It was so fun.
Sissy Goff
00;00;47;03
And I'm just going to give a spoiler alert because I have on these really fun new glasses from pair eyewear. And she called me several times Katie Couric.
David Thomas
00;00;55;27
And did you not love that?
Sissy Goff
00;00;57;15
It made me so happy. And so now I'm trying to, you know, be a little more Katie Couric in my life. So. David Thomas.
David Thomas
00;01;06;26
Yes, Katie?
Sissy Goff
00;01;07;18
I am so excited that the first part of this season is dedicated to this amazing book Raising Emotionally Strong Boys that we're getting to talk about a lot of not all of, because there's way more than we could ever get in a season of a podcast. But a lot of the really wonderful, helpful, insightful things that you talk about in this book. And in this episode, we are talking about helping kids build strong connections. And subtitle is.
David Thomas
00;01;36;13
“Stop Draining the Life Out of Your Mom.”
Jess Wolstenholm
00;01;38;13
Yes, that's so good.
Sissy Goff
00;01;41;09
Okay, so here's what I want you to start us off talking about and then we can build. Tell them about the whole concept of the two piece. You're into initials these days. So we talked about the three R's. Now are the two P's because we're getting old and we need help.
David Thomas
00;01;53;08
Remember, that's right. We need a lot of. What are those things called? Mnemonics. I can't remember. Who knows what we need. Yeah, we can't remember what they're called. Yes. But yes, we talked about the three R's in the strength of emotions and in the strength of connection. The two piece that I talk a lot about, our parents and peers and those playing a primary role in our kids lives, their relationships.
David Thomas
00;02;16;24
And so should we start out talking about the first P about parents or should we talk about peers first?
Sissy Goff
00;02;22;03
Let's jump in with Pierce. All right.
David Thomas
00;02;23;20
Let's talk about Pierce. There is a lot to be said about even the differences unique to gender that we see in terms of how girls approach relationship and how boys approach relationship.
Sissy Goff
00;02;34;28
I just noticed that we had a comment of someone being critical on social media. They were saying that we were gender stereotyping kids and that would never be our intention. But anything that we're reporting is either something that we have found in research or it's something that we have experienced in our offices in almost three decades of work.
Sissy Goff
00;02;56;01
So absolutely, that is not our intention.
David Thomas
00;02;58;11
Not at all. And a blanket disclaimer that I think we often make when we speak is that there certainly are going to be boys who are exceptions to the rule of things. I'm going to talk around and girls who are exceptions to the rule of things you're going to talk around. But as you said wisely, in keeping with a lot of what we're seeing in our offices and working with boys and girls.
Sissy Goff
00;03;16;20
Yeah, yeah. We're just trying to help.
David Thomas
00;03;18;18
We are.
Sissy Goff
00;03;20;12
So. Okay, let's talk about boys. What are you seeing? What would you say about boys in terms of the strength of connection?
David Thomas
00;03;26;07
One big difference I think we're seeing in our offices would be how often you and I are talking with kids about hard things that happen in their lives. Let's say, for example, this just happened in my office yesterday. A boy whose parents are going through a divorce and I have asked this question repeatedly of boys over the years, like how many of your friends know this is happening?
David Thomas
00;03;49;20
Only to have a boy look at me as if to say, why in the world would I have told anyone? Because I often will have parents say to me, their son said, Please don't tell my teacher that you're going through a divorce. They just don't want anyone to know which is part of that whole suppression and self-reliance thing I talk about all throughout raising emotionally strong boys and how that instinct I don't want to tell anyone, I don't want anyone to know is so harmful to boys, you know, because, one, they're holding it in.
David Thomas
00;04;20;19
Two, they're not asking for help. And so there's so many layers of where I want to be moving boys away from that, where I want to encourage parents to help boys head is away from suppression and self-reliance and toward expression and community that they don't lean far enough into the benefits of relationships and friendships. Whereas I would suspect, and you tell me if I'm wrong, that girls may lean too far into that space sometime.
David Thomas
00;04;49;21
Ask too much of relationships where boys aren't asking enough.
Sissy Goff
00;04;52;20
Yes. Yes. And I think there's confusion even about who are the types of people that we share. The deeper information with, because we're in this age, like we talk so much about where kids are, you know, not just saying, I want to run away. They're saying I want to kill myself. They're using this really intense language. And so in that I think girls even use emotion to connect sometimes and to get attention at younger and younger ages.
Sissy Goff
00;05;19;08
And I went to Continuing Education Seminar years ago on Mean Girls and it was fascinating all the different things we talked about. But one was that girls often place best friend expectations on acquaintances. And I think there's some of that sense of I'm going to tell you so much about myself, hoping it's going to be a way we connect, but then I don't even know you or you're not that kind of a friend.
Sissy Goff
00;05;44;08
And now I'm expecting you to respond in a way that that we haven't earned the trust. And so I think with girls, I feel like it's really important. Even I will sometimes have girls draw a bull's eye of, you know, your closest view. And then what is it like to have friends that aren't best friends? And then what does it look like to have acquaintances and what does that mean you expect of each on one hand and the other?
Sissy Goff
00;06;05;14
Something that we talk about all the time and I feel certain we've talked about on here, but I can't say it enough with girls and parents is that whole idea, that book I love that I read in my twenties that a dear friend gave me a balcony. People that talks about how we have these people on the balcony of our lives, journeys on, and we have people in the basement maybe bonus down and for kids to help them understand they have balcony people that are cheering them on their basement, people who are not the kind of friends who are going to know how to value the vulnerable things that you say.
Sissy Goff
00;06;35;02
And then we have roller coaster friends that are up and down from balcony to basement, balcony to basement. And how do we help girls of all ages understand which is which? And then how much do you share what's appropriate with each type of friend? I think there's just covid's only made it worse. There's just so much confusion in that sense of relational depth and connection and the pacing of that.
Sissy Goff
00;06;56;13
And so I think they need more help than ever having those conversations.
David Thomas
00;07;00;03
I love that you break it down that way. And one of the ways that I break it down with boys in the strength of connection is actually this runner that one of my sons introduced me to. So my boys ran track in cross country when they were in school and they watched a documentary about this Kenyan runner named Elliot Kipchoge.
David Thomas
00;07;21;13
There's a beautiful documentary about his life. He was raised by a single mom and he ran to school every day. And over the course of all that, running became highly skilled in this space. And I don't want to give everything away, but he is known to be the fastest man on the planet. He was the first person to ever run a full marathon under 2 hours.
David Thomas
00;07;41;29
Wow. Now I struggled to run a half marathon in under 2 hours. Just to give you some perspective on that. Ran a full marathon in under 2 hours, but he had these pacesetters, these close friends who ran with him to help him keep the pace so that he wouldn't go out too fast or be too slow and maintain a pace that would end with completing the marathon in that time.
David Thomas
00;08;02;09
And so I talk with boys using that analogy about what is it like to deal with critics on the sideline with spectators and then with pacesetters like those people are going to run with you in the hard moments. Who can tell you're struggling and are cheering you on? And so I have even some questions in the book, like pacesetter questions that help boys figure out the kinds of friends they're wanting to have in their life and what they bring to the equation.
Sissy Goff
00;08;26;11
I had a mom one time who said to me that she had told her daughter she wanted her to find and be a wait for you type of friend. I'm going to wait for you. You know, we all want people who do that, that that's reminds me of somebody that really does come alongside in such a beautiful way.
Sissy Goff
00;08;41;13
But I think with both genders, we would sure say we want to help kids focus as much, if not more on being a friend than having a friend.
David Thomas
00;08;49;13
Absolutely. That's where I wanted to go with the pace are questions in books like not only whose being that for you, but who are you being a pacesetter for? Yeah. Always helping kids look outward. Yes.
David Thomas
00;09;04;15
Sissy, you are loving your new pair of glasses, aren't you? I have heard you tell three people about them, and I catch you snapping on your sunglasses all the time.
Sissy Goff
00;09;13;26
Yes, I talk about them all the time. I love them. I think they're brilliant. And I love not having to travel with two sets of glasses so I can just snap on the sunglasses. And it's so easy.
David Thomas
00;09;25;16
Well, I would be jealous, except that I couldn't decide because I like so many and I ended up ordering two pairs of sunglasses.
Sissy Goff
00;09;32;14
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David Thomas
00;09;43;05
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Sissy Goff
00;09;52;13
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David Thomas
00;09;59;14
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David Thomas
00;10;18;21
So shall we talk about the second P: parents?
Sissy Goff
00;10;25;15
I would love to. Yes.
David Thomas
00;10;26;13
All right. Here's maybe where the subtitle that we joked about comes in. I did talk a little bit about that great research you read years ago about the difference between boys and girls in the face of failure.
Sissy Goff
00;10;38;12
Well, I read a study which I wish I could find because I really did read the study. Who knows where it was? Because I'm too old to remember anything from a month ago. But it talked about how when something goes wrong in a boy's world, he blames someone else, which you would add anecdotally, his mother.
Melissa Trevathan
00;10;53;14
Yes.
Sissy Goff
00;10;54;05
And when something goes wrong in a girl's world, which we say this all the time at parenting seminars and every woman in the room says herself.
David Thomas
00;11;02;28
Yeah, in fact, when we pose it in the way you just did a few minutes ago, mom, to even say his mother, it's like Mom, no, because they've experienced it. And I love talking about that because to your great point, I think what moms do as grown women to that reality is blame themselves when things go wrong in parent.
David Thomas
00;11;23;21
Like, what am I not doing enough? What am I doing wrong? And the reality just being you are often the safest place on earth. And so he is going to bring so much of his emotion to you. And one of the things that I talk about in the book is what does it look like? And not just for moms, but parents in general to be a sounding board, but not a punching bag?
Melissa Trevathan
00;11;45;02
Oh, that's good.
David Thomas
00;11;46;03
You are there as a place of support, but you are not there for him to just unload all of his emotional venom, on which I think left to their own devices, sometimes boys will just do that. And then, sadly transfer that on to the next important female in his life. I've had a lot of parents of adolescent boys say, like, I feel like he is way too much with his girlfriend.
David Thomas
00;12;08;03
When I read his techs, he's unloading too much. That's not fair for a 15, 16, 17 year old girl to carry that much emotion.
Sissy Goff
00;12;14;19
That boys aren't talking to each other. That, of course.
David Thomas
00;12;16;12
There, there it.
Sissy Goff
00;12;16;27
Is on the girlfriend.
David Thomas
00;12;17;25
And then I think turn right around and do that to their fiancee or their wife some day. So developing healthy patterns in that space I think is so important. And it connects back to the strength of emotion of if he's not building that resourcefulness that we talk so much about, where he learns to do that work for himself, of course, he's going to keep going to these primary females in his life.
David Thomas
00;12;38;23
And so that pattern I call in the book Emotional Tug of War. And, you know, my challenge to moms is as long as we keep holding the other end of the rope, tug of war keeps going. But tug of war is over. When one person learns to set the rope down, not throw the rope down, but set the rope down in a healthy, constructive way.
David Thomas
00;12;58;22
And so that so much of what I really want to encourage moms and dads to lean into so that he is developing resourcefulness because we talked in our my kids on track about as long as we're being kids resources they'll never develop resourcefulness. And then I would say I laugh with parents in that space to about a comment that a mom made to me years ago.
David Thomas
00;13;22;11
She was talking about her teenage son and she was saying, I do not want to be dramatic, David, but sometimes talking with him feels like a hostage crisis. She said, I feel like I'm engaging with a terrorist and it's just a teenager. And I said, Well, to build on that analogy, what is the United States position on terrorism like?
David Thomas
00;13;42;02
We do not negotiate with terrorists, and we know it's not helpful and we might need to apply that same wisdom to toddlers and teenagers at times, because too much negotiating, too much, allowing kids to be manipulative, argumentative, so many things I think only enhances this emotional tug of war as opposed to moving them in healthier directions, which is what the first third of that book is all about.
David Thomas
00;14;05;01
So I really want to challenge parents in that space to say that's the long game. And again, it's not that we're not offering support. It's not that we're not being a sounding board. That's the great place to land. And but we don't want to be doing all the problem solving for him. We want to be moving him toward problem solving.
David Thomas
00;14;24;07
I think it's a little bit like, you know, if we just sit at the table with kids until their homework is complete or maybe we do a little of that homework for them, it shortcuts the process, but they haven't gotten all that good learning. And I think it's a lot the same way here. Yeah. What about with girls?
David Thomas
00;14;40;13
What do you see with girls and parents?
Sissy Goff
00;14;42;00
You know, I'm seeing two things currently and one is very similar to what you were describing that we talk so much with parents about, but that it feels like in lieu of or sometimes preferentially, rather than using healthy coping strategies, it feels like girls are using their parents as coping strategies. And girls are so verbal and so emotional that I feel like they will vent very explosively over their mothers and fathers.
Sissy Goff
00;15;09;26
And to your point, moms probably most often because they feel safest with moms. But I think they are not wanting to do the work of regulation and they're just being explosive on one hand. And they're also not wanting to do the work of working through the anxiety or whatever's happening emotionally. And so I feel like girls are so manipulative like we've talked about a million times when they're anxious, and so they learn in their intuition to it's like they're taking all these places.
Sissy Goff
00;15;36;26
They're so gifted and flipping it, but they learn how to manipulate parents and rescuing them. And so I feel like I'm seeing that happen a lot with girls and maybe more than ever.
David Thomas
00;15;46;29
Okay. Can I tell you a real life story? Just yesterday, my office out with this great set of parents and they have an anxious eight year old daughter. Yes. Who is bright, smart, all the things you just described. And they've been working through your great workbook, Braver, Stronger, Smarter. And she told her mother, this is such a picture of what you said.
David Thomas
00;16;03;12
She told her mother she's the breathing is not working for me. The strategies in the workbook are not working for me. And every time you leave the room, it makes my anxiety ten times worse.
Sissy Goff
00;16;13;19
Oh, there you go.
David Thomas
00;16;14;15
That's such a picture.
Sissy Goff
00;16;15;12
Of exactly what we're talking about. Yes. And so to your great point about letting down the rope, and my question would be, how do you stop being a coping strategy so they develop their own and so much of it involves disengaging. And I think I feel like I've had a lot of conversations with parents like this lately. I think we culturally, we are so strong about being present and not wanting kids to feel abandoned or isolated or not wanting them to have to feel alone and whatever it is they're going through that that we've even been manipulated culturally into thinking we can't disengage.
Sissy Goff
00;16;48;04
And we're both saying that it's so important to disengage. The other trend that I'm seeing with girls, and I think some of it is what we have talked about, that we're seeing more social anxiety than ever before. I'm seeing more girls who I think their moms are, their best friends than I've ever seen. And there's a part of that that I love, that depth of connection that they share.
Sissy Goff
00;17;09;21
And there's a part of it that concerns me because I worry those girls are not developing friendships, that they're not doing the work of getting someone's phone number or figuring out how to connect and, you know, the things that I'll do often with especially introverted kids in my office where I'll say, I want you to text a friend at least once a week and come back and report to me, or I want you to invite one person over in the next two weeks for a sleepover or whatever it is.
Sissy Goff
00;17;36;05
If you don't feel comfortable as sleepovers, just get together. But where we're making them reach out towards other kids now, I will say I think one of the hardest parts of girls and development and probably boys too, is the normal place where we hit, where they individuate. And I think it's more confusing sometimes when they've been best friends and it blindsides the moms more.
Sissy Goff
00;17;58;20
I was thinking the other day about this girl that I saw who forever ago she and her mom had been so close for so many years and she hit seventh grade and it was the first time I'd seen her that year. And she came in and she said, You know, my mom and I used to be so close and we just don't get along anymore.
Sissy Goff
00;18;15;02
And I said, What happened? What has gone on between the two of you? And she said, I'm in seventh grade and when you're in seventh grade, you're not supposed to be friends with your mom. You're not supposed to get along with them. It had nothing to do with anything that was in their relationship. It was purely about individual thing and the influence of her peers.
Sissy Goff
00;18;33;08
And so I think, especially if you've been in a season where you have been your kid's best friends, there's a beauty to that, and we want to lean into that in some ways. We want to make sure they're connecting with other kids, too. And we want to realize that when they hit the point where you're no longer that it is not about you, it's about the work that they have to do to become their own people.
David Thomas
00;18;56;25
Since the last time I checked, you had a few dozen toy excavators and skid steer loaders at your house. Signs of being the proud man of a toddler age boy. What are you and Henry reading these days?
Sissy Goff
00;19;11;03
Well, some of his favorites are Monster Trucks, of course, and Digger Man, which is really great. But you know what else we've been reading at my house when he comes to spend the night? What? The Explorer Bible for Kids. We both love it.
David Thomas
00;19;25;09
I love it too. Speaking of excavators, I bet he loves the “Excavating the Past” images.
Sissy Goff
00;19;31;21
David That was good.
David Thomas
00;19;32;26
That connect the dots between the Bible and archeological discoveries. He's like a little Indiana Jones in those moments.
Sissy Goff
00;19;39;22
Yes, he is. I also love the “Discovering the Truth” callouts that put a spotlight on the big truths of the Bible. It includes QR codes linking to videos and discussion questions.
David Thomas
00;19;50;29
I love the character field guides that explain important people in the Bible with fun facts and insights and the timelines and maps that help outline historical events.
Sissy Goff
00;20;00;28
There is so much it's beautifully illustrated with full color designs to make it more readable and engaging.
David Thomas
00;20;07;08
And I love that they included interactive elements. We talked so much on this podcast about kids being experiential learners, and I think that's a great fit.
Sissy Goff
00;20;16;00
Yes. To learn more, go to ExplorerBibleforKids.com.
David Thomas
00;20;21;00
Buy your copy today from Lifeway.com and our listeners get 50% off using code RBG.
Sissy Goff
00;20;32;26
Let's talk about some practicals. Let's bring it home with some practical ideas. So as we're thinking about these P’s that I love, one of the things thinking about peers in particular that you and I would both say about boys and girls really at every age, and I think the closer they get to adolescence, it maybe becomes more important, but that kids need a safe group of kids who are cheering them on and speaking truth into their lives, both things.
Sissy Goff
00;20;58;06
And so wherever you need to go to find that, you know, a lot of schools have small groups, which is great. Some kids feel safe sharing, and though some don't, churches are a great place for them to find that that they can meet as a grade level or middle school or high school or whatever it is, they break into smaller groups.
Sissy Goff
00;21;16;11
I think that's a good place for them to experience it. We have group counseling at Daystar. A lot of counseling practices in different cities do that. That can be a great place as well, but they need to have other kids who are speaking truth and cheering them on because it's just so hard today. I have never sat with as many girls.
Sissy Goff
00;21;33;09
You talk about feeling lonely as I do right now, ever of all ages. And I think for them to have that community like we're talking about where they can share, we know those people are safe. We know it's a place where they've kind of earned the right just in being together in a small group that's someone is putting boundaries around to create safety.
Sissy Goff
00;21;52;13
And so even if they resist, we would both say it's really important that they have that space. And we talked so much about they had a point where the voices of their peers get louder and our voices as grownups who love them get quieter. So what would you add to that?
David Thomas
00;22;06;13
I love that an idea I would add to that would be that we want their relationships to offer satisfaction, but not survival. I talk in the book about how relationships should add to our well-being but not be the source of sustainability, which I think connects to so much of what you were saying on the front side about where girls can ask too much of relationships.
David Thomas
00;22;27;09
And I think boys, particularly with females in their lives, can ask way too much of their moms and then asking too much of their girlfriends at some point all along the way. And I think the other thing I would want to say to that is not only are we asking too much from these human relationships, but I think it only stands in the way of us going to God for the things that he and only he is capable of meaning in our lives, those needs.
David Thomas
00;22;52;23
And so I think it distances kids spiritually as well when we are asking too much relationally from some of those relationships here.
Sissy Goff
00;23;01;06
Good. Yes.
David Thomas
00;23;02;06
What else would you say?
Sissy Goff
00;23;03;20
Well, I would add a type of relationship that we haven't talked as much about today. But you and I talk about it a lot because we can't say it enough to about the importance of kids have another voices, other grown ups who they trust that are speaking the same truths like we talk about. We're so often saying the same things. Parents say we're just a new voice, but are speaking those same truths into the laps of your kids. It is so important to have that to have a village around them and around you in that way. And I can name off the top of my head different people that made a difference in my life because.
David Thomas
00;23;35;15
So could I. Absolutely.
Sissy Goff
00;23;37;09
And I think in that the hard piece of it is it can start to feel threatening when they move towards adolescence. But a reminder that those people, their presence in their life is temporary, but often what they communicate and the lessons that they help bring home are permanent. Can I read something?
David Thomas
00;23;55;27
Please.
Sissy Goff
00;23;56;19
So I had a grandmother. Have a grandmother. She's in heaven. She died when I was two, so I didn't really know her. And I have always heard the most amazing things about her. She is Make Me Cry, but she is one of the family members I most want to be like because of all the stories I've heard about her warmth and kindness and all these amazing things.
Sissy Goff
00;24;15;06
And she died at 50, which is so young. But every time I spend time with my dad or my aunt or my uncle and have an opportunity to talk about her, I love to hear stories about her. And I was with my aunt years ago and she pulled something out of a file and handed it to me and it was this kind of an essay that one of her best friends growing up wrote about my grandmother.
Sissy Goff
00;24;43;09
And it speaks to exactly what we're talking about, about the importance of other voices. And I'm not going to read the whole thing, but I want to read part of it. She was pretty animated and vibrant. She was lovely, loving and eminently lovable. She presided over her very modern living room through a decidedly classic portrait of herself a lady in a blue dress.
Sissy Goff
00;25;05;09
She had a portrait in her house that looked like that glamor. Dorothy Gough taught me glamor. Her greatest influence was during our junior high days. Those years of braces, awkwardness, constant silliness, running impacts and discovering boys. Dorothy golfed, loved us, adored us, delighted in us, and opened her own self to us. Although we each had our own parents, we were truly mother and father in a great many ways and by a great number of people, including each other's parents, said Dorothy Gough contributed to my growing up and in a very special way.
Sissy Goff
00;25;37;18
She was the one during those natty, early adolescent years who nurtured us without criticism or expectations. She was the girl with us, the one who identified with our lives, problems, ideas and antics. I loved my mother, but having a discussion with her about bras at age 13 would have been like getting permission from the local librarian to peruse the reference texts.
Sissy Goff
00;25;59;07
When the Word of God goes out, it does not return unto him void or empty. Dorothy Gough died prematurely, her last years marked by illness. I was deeply saddened by her passing, but her gifts do not go unremembered or unappreciated when my own daughter climbs into my bed after going out with her friends and I stroke her here and scratch her back while we talk of boys and friends and clothes and growing up, Dorothy Gough was in my veins.
Sissy Goff
00;26;25;16
When I spend money I don't have for a costly pair of shoes, just the right color to match a teenage holiday ball dress. Dorothy Gough is there and when I violate every rational rule of motherhood and tell my daughter I believe in her and every idea that she has, Dorothy Gough is lavishing love beside me. I am blessed to have her as a guide.
David Thomas
00;26;45;24
That is stunning. Well, I hope that's who I am, certainly. But yes. The power of other voices. So lots of importance in all those connections. Thanks for letting us talk about your book.
David Thomas
00;27;01;02
Thanks for talking about it. Katie Kirk.
Melissa Trevathan
00;27;07;08
Hi, this is Melissa. Brene Brown talks about connection and she says it's this energy between people. It's when we feel seen or heard or valued. It's when someone gives and receives without judgment. I think it's to know, to be known as to love, to be loving. Isaiah 55 says, “Come all you who are thirsty, come to the waters, come to the waters.”
Melissa Trevathan
00;27;37;10
This thirst that we have for connection. We need connection. We desire it. We long for it, we yearn for it, we ache for it. It's what I want most. It's what I most lack. And it's what I fear I will never have. Connection is what we're made for. And when you taste it, when you tasted the delight of God connecting with you, a view connecting with someone else, it awakens deeper longings in us.
Melissa Trevathan
00;28;12;09
Henry Nouwen says in his book, The Inner Voice of Love: It's a journey through anguish to freedom, he says. After many years of life in universities where I never felt fully at home, I became a member of this community of men and women with disabilities. I had been received with open arms, given all the attention and affection I could ever hope for, and offered a safe and loving place to grow spiritually as well as emotionally.
Melissa Trevathan
00;28;42;29
And this is what hit me so much. Everything seemed ideal, but precisely at that time I fell apart as if I needed a safe place to hit. Bottom connection it awakens deeper longings in us of what we were made for in the first place. And yet, as Henry now enjoyed talking about that, he hit bottom when he felt and experienced this connection.
Melissa Trevathan
00;29;14;24
I remember as a teenager, along with telling everyone else what to do, I begin to realize that I had these longings that I wanted to connect a little like Henry Dowland, but in a different way. It sent me into turmoil because I begin to think I got to get rid of these longings. I am so selfish. I begin to try to hate what I wanted so that I would be free to give to other people.
Melissa Trevathan
00;29;43;16
I'll never be able to be the person God wants me to be until I get rid of these longings, to be like, to be loved, to be accepted. I needed to be independent. I thought I needed to be strong and tough and in control with that, I became indifferent. We can spend so much of our time trying to get rid of our longing for connection.
Melissa Trevathan
00;30;10;16
I think that so many kids and move that direction today. I just don't want to want anything. How can I just be okay? And they end up spending their lives trying so hard to push down their desire to connect in the way that God has made them, Larry Crabb said in his book on connecting. We can often mistake lesser longings for greater ones like popularity and success are like being in tears, but having shallow relationships.
Melissa Trevathan
00;30;47;25
One of my favorite quotes and one I'm sure you're familiar with is a C.S. Lewis quote when he says, We are half hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies and a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.
Melissa Trevathan
00;31;12;08
We are far too easily pleased and I think that that's what we do with this overwhelming desire for connection. We feel like we can't control it and we come with our own ways of how to receive it and we end up making mud pass. We are far too easily. Please oh, may we taste of the goodness of God I love in Ephesians five, starting with first one from the message it says Watch what God does and then you do it like children who learn proper behavior from their parents.
Melissa Trevathan
00;31;47;15
And this is the part mostly what God does is love. You keep company with him and learn of life, of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious, but extravagant where far too easily please. He didn't love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that. That's connection.
Melissa Trevathan
00;32;12;29
What God does is love us. What God does is delight in us. And then we learn from him. We learn a life of love. Oh, may we taste of the goodness and the love of God and be connected to him. I see. Connection is not about intensity. It's about intimacy. It's about an intimacy with her God. It's intimacy with other people.
Melissa Trevathan
00;32;43;27
It's about kids coming back at night at camp after riding on a bike and being thankful for the talk they had as they were biking. It's about kids talking while they're out and about. They have skied and they have tubed. And yet what they share about is this great conversation. I had on the boat or on Wednesday nights.
Melissa Trevathan
00;33;09;00
There's a graduate group that meets at my house and we sit around the table and we talk and have Bible study. We need connection were made for a connection we desire. We long, we yearn and we ache for it, but we're afraid we'll not have it. And so we begin to protect ourselves or we hit rock bottom and even maybe go into depression because we feel like there's no one that wants to connect with us.
Melissa Trevathan
00;33;42;28
I don't think you can really make connection happen, but I do believe that we can always be ready for it. Be open to it, and know that this life is full of surprises and blessings and that we have a God who delights in us. Let's learn how to hang out together again. Let's go for walks. Let's connect around the table just like Jesus did as he talked and he walked with his disciples.
Jess Wolstenholm
00;34;20;14
Hi, I'm Jess Wolstenholm, Director of Education and faith formation for Minto, a streaming service for Christian families being a part of a local church and connecting with other believers is important in our spiritual lives and in the faith formation of our children. But we can't forget. Faith begins at home. As a young mom, this truth overwhelmed me at first.
Jess Wolstenholm
00;34;43;28
But as I grew, I realized my kids will only thrive in our ever changing world if experience a safe, authentic faith connection right where they live. So my husband and I committed to cultivating our kids knowledge of God and the Bible by connecting through spiritual conversations smack dab in the middle of our daily messages. Oh, it wasn't always pretty, but it was real.
Jess Wolstenholm
00;35;07;01
And the more kids experience faith in the midst of their reality, the more real it will become to them in the long term. Deuteronomy six reminds us that our children's faith formation begins right where they live. We don't have to be Bible scholars or pastors to lead our kids toward Jesus. It's not about being qualified. It's about connecting with our kids and inviting Jesus into those moments.
Jess Wolstenholm
00;35;32;13
So look for opportunities this week to talk about the things of God when you're doing life with your kids, when you're in the car, when you're doing dishes, when you're arguing over what movie to watch, when you're talking them in every moment, every conversation in is an opportunity to help our kids grow in faith. What is one way you can connect with your child this week and point them to Jesus?
Sissy Goff
00;35;58;23
It's our joy to bring the experience and insight we gain through our work beyond the walls of the Daystar House.
David Thomas
00;36;05;11
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Sissy Goff
00;36;24;16
Join us next time for more help and hope as you continue your journey of raising boys and girls.