Episode 75: How to Help Kids Navigate Emotions
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Have you ever wondered how to navigate emotions with your kids? We will be discussing this topic throughout this season of the podcast. In this episode, Sissy has a little fun and interviews David about his new books that released this summer on raising emotionally strong boys. She also discusses girls and emotions and how David's tips can help them as well. If you haven't grabbed a copy of his new books, check out the links below!
A special thank you to our partners of this week's episode:
Organifi - Go to www.organifi.com/RBG and use code RBG for 20% off your order.
Explorer Bible for Kids - Buy your copy today from Lifeway.com and get 50% off using code RBG.
Notes
B-A-D:
Blame
Avoidance
Denial
Blame is just discharge pain. Shame is just self-contained.
3 R's:
Recognize
Regulate
Repair
2 Bonus R's from Melissa:
Relationship
Receive
Characteristics of an Emotionally Strong Boy - RARE:
Resourcefulness
Aware
Resilient
Empathetic
Links
Raising Emotionally Strong Boys and Strong & Smart by David Thomas
Emotional Agility by Susan David
Resilient: Restoring Your Weary Soul in These Turbulent Times by John Eldredge
Transcript
Sissy Goff
Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.
David Thomas
I'm David Thomas.
Melissa Trevathan
And I'm Melissa Trevathan.
Sissy Goff
And we are so glad you've set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast, we'll share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at Daystar Counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.
David Thomas
00;00;39;22
Sissy, does this sound familiar to you? You know the importance of eating healthy, but you don't always have the time or the willpower to cook with all the colors of the rainbow.
Sissy Goff
00;00;50;04
Yes, that totally sounds like me. I've had some colorful tacos, but they definitely didn't include the nutrition in Organifi superfood blends.
David Thomas
00;00;59;10
Me too. Sometimes it can feel so overwhelming to eat healthy that I get stuck. I'm always looking for simple ways to add nutrition to my daily diet, which is why I'm excited about Organifi. Organifi’s superfood blends make it easy and enjoyable to add more variety and nutrition to your day.
Sissy Goff
00;01;19;02
Yes, we need all the nutrition hacks we can get. And Organifi’s delicious organic powders are definitely a simple hack. You simply stir it into water or add it to a smoothie and enjoy any time for more energy, nutrition, hormone balance and peace of mind.
David Thomas
00;01;34;10
Organifi superfood blends are a great way to jump start your morning, energize your afternoon, or nourish your evening. So at the end of the day, you can feel great about doing something good for your wellbeing.
Sissy Goff
00;01;47;12
We have a special offer for our listeners. Go to organify.com/RBG and use code RBG for 20% off your order. That's organifi.com/RBG and use code RBG for 20% off any item.
Sissy Goff
00;02;12;07
Okay, we got to tell the truth. You started this episode by doing what.
David Thomas
00;02;16;09
Did start with a little Mariah Carey.
Melissa Trevathan
00;02;18;04
Yes.
Sissy Goff
00;02;18;27
Yes, I know. I was thinking, could I even hit that? Hadn't heard about.
David Thomas
00;02;24;09
Me feeling.
Sissy Goff
00;02;24;24
To Mariah. Yeah, I don't think I can pull it off. But that's what we're talking about this week. Emotions and kids. And I don't think you let me get away with it, but I'd like to spend the whole podcast episode interviewing you about this amazing perk. You guys, if you do not yet have, which I think you do, because they cannot keep it in stock.
Sissy Goff
00;02;43;16
But if you don't have raising emotionally strong boys yet by my dear friend David Thomas, grab your copy now. It's so good. I'm so grateful for it already. And there is an accompanying workbook for the little guys in your life. Ages what?
David Thomas
00;02;59;25
David 6 to 12.
Sissy Goff
00;03;01;06
6 to 12 called strong and smart.
David Thomas
00;03;04;02
Although I did have a mom tell me this week that she bought it for her seven year old son, she said, but I'm using a lot of it with my 37 year old husband. So it could be applied to other ages. I'm learning, too.
Sissy Goff
00;03;15;11
Oh, that's so good. Yes. I just am so grateful because I don't even know how many times I've heard you say speaking about boys at a certain age channel all of their emotion. You say what that saying.
David Thomas
00;03;27;17
Well, somewhere around 9 to 10 boys begin to channel all primary emotions fear, sadness, confusion, disappointment into anger, which is something I talk about in my office every day, all day with boys of all ages, toddlers to teenagers. Just a lot comes out through the filter of anger.
Sissy Goff
00;03;47;03
And for those of us who are females listening to you say that, and we don't get that to the same degree, I mean, I'm a one, so I have some latent anger going on a lot inside of me. But I think it is so foreign, which is again, why I think especially now that I have these little two nephews in my life, every time I hear you talk, I just soak it up everything you say about boys.
Sissy Goff
00;04;06;18
So I'm just so grateful for this, for your work in the world and for your voice in this book and that we get to spend a good portion of this season talking about exactly what raising emotionally strong boys mean and how we can do it. So thank you.
David Thomas
00;04;19;06
While you can. I'm just so excited we're in season five. I cannot believe we're in our fifth season of this podcast.
Sissy Goff
00;04;26;08
And that we get to be with the amazing TSF Network are.
David Thomas
00;04;30;01
Just.
Sissy Goff
00;04;30;15
Some amazing friends over there by.
David Thomas
00;04;32;25
Thing happening.
Sissy Goff
00;04;33;16
Yes, me too.
David Thomas
00;04;34;26
We started this whole thing. I don't know that we ever imagine we'd still be five seasons later talking about kids in this fun way.
Sissy Goff
00;04;41;13
I don't think so either. It is really fun. I'm really.
David Thomas
00;04;43;27
Grateful.
Sissy Goff
00;04;44;08
Yes. So we wanted to talk specifically again about emotions and kids. And it looks so different and the conversations we have in our offices typically are really different, which is why we wanted to drill down and talk about some specific things of what we're seeing and then like we always do, we want to give you three practical things to think of, and then we're going to have Melissa come in and just throw some wisdom at us.
Sissy Goff
00;05;08;07
So thinking about boys and what you said, you know, it's interesting. I have a lot of conversations with parents of younger girls about anger. My immediate question is, tell me when you're seeing more of it, which I think is always important to watch the patterns, watch the themes, what's triggering her with her anger. And it's often times of unpredictability and transition, but what I have started seeing the parents in the last six months, because I see this across the board, is that anger in those years is so important because what girls do is they take that anger at a certain age, maybe around the same age that you mentioned, or as they're getting a little
Sissy Goff
00;05;46;24
bit older and the anger turns inward. And so all of a sudden that fury that's coming at you is directed at themselves. And when that's happening, we often don't know. There's not as much evidence of it, and we can't help her work through it. And so to be aware in our early places when we can with kids to process that is so important, and then to be aware of what we talk about all the time that when something goes wrong in his world.
David Thomas
00;06;11;20
He blames other people, often his mother. Yes.
Sissy Goff
00;06;15;05
And when something goes wrong in her world, she blames herself. And so to understand emotionally that's really undergirding a lot of what we're talking about seems really important.
David Thomas
00;06;24;13
It's such a picture of what I was saying with anger, like what's underneath that plane? What's underneath that finger pointing is oftentimes I'm embarrassed, mad at myself, whatever it may be, that's only going to present in those ways of blame.
Melissa Trevathan
00;06;39;01
Yes.
Sissy Goff
00;06;40;06
And your acronym.
David Thomas
00;06;41;15
Lame Avoidance and Denial, which stands for Bad Boys Are Strong. And all three of those, unless we're teaching something different. Yes. And if it's not blame, avoidance and denial, the swing that I talk a lot about in this new book that I see boys do over and over is swinging between blame and shame. So it's either it's your fault or I'm such an idiot.
David Thomas
00;07;02;24
And I talk about how I think blame is just discharge pain. And I think shame is just self-contained and neither of those things are helpful. Neither of them are healthy. So if boys are just swinging between discharge, pain and self content, like that's not a healthy way to live emotionally and it's certainly not a healthy way to live relationally.
David Thomas
00;07;21;19
So we're going to have to be working hard, laboring long to move them toward that healthy space of ownership.
Sissy Goff
00;07;28;12
And girls can certainly do the same. We should probably say this is kind of a continuum that we definitely see girls who alternate between blame and shame, but I feel like they typically land more in the shame and self-hatred piece of it. So okay, I'm going to pick out some things from the book that I loved, especially not from the whole book.
Sissy Goff
00;07;46;06
There are so many I can't pick them out. But from the first section where you're talking about strength of emotion and the first thing that I loved that you talk about because, oh, I think about this so much with girls, is the whole idea of being stuck versus unstuck. And we have a lot of stuck kids. We have stepparents sometimes who come in to, but step parents often have the internal motivation to work through it.
Sissy Goff
00;08;10;06
Step kids don't yet have the internal motivation. And so we have to put external motivation in place until they can get there internally. And so when you talk about what's that boys look like and then we can talk about girls in the differences.
David Thomas
00;08;22;24
I'd love to. And you know, I would first say I use that word a lot in my office. I don't know if you do, but I love the word stuck because it's not a permanent state like any of us can get stuck. And the good news is any of us can get unstuck. But what I would say to that is that sometimes we can get unstuck by ourselves and sometimes we need help.
David Thomas
00;08;42;18
And I talk a lot in the beginning of this book in the strength of emotion, how boys lean toward suppression and self-reliance like they don't want to talk about how they're feeling and they don't want to ask for help. So I think boys can stay stuck for long periods of time because they see asking for help or getting help as weakness.
David Thomas
00;09;00;11
And so I think that's one stuck place I would name. It's just asking for help and how I think we're going to have to move against that, how we're going to have to model all the benefits of getting help when we talk with friends. I encourage parents to talk about when you meet with your counselor and how helpful it is when you go on walks with your friends, when you take trips with your friends.
David Thomas
00;09;17;12
So I would say that's one play. Secondly, I would say the blame to shame swing is a place where I see a lot of boys get stuck, as we mentioned. But, you know, I would say thirdly, I think a lot of boys get stuck in what I call the emotional, lazy response of, I don't know, how do you feel?
David Thomas
00;09;33;29
I don't know how they're feeling. I don't know.
Sissy Goff
00;09;36;09
I was sat down for every time a child said no, my.
David Thomas
00;09;38;17
Counseling is yes. And and what it looks like to push in to that, I don't know, to help them build as we talk about so often on this podcast and we will continue to talk about just an expansive emotional vocabulary so that they can connect with what they feel and name what they feel. You know, associates. Interesting. I think if we as parents were to think back on those early pediatric well visits from pediatricians, like at 12, 1824 months or asking parents, you know, how many words is she saying?
David Thomas
00;10;09;26
How many words is he saying? What we know is that girls are saying 2 to 3 times the number of words that boys are most often. And so if her general vocabulary is bigger, of course, her emotional vocabulary would likely be bigger. So we're going to have to labor longer to help boys find more words to describe their experience.
David Thomas
00;10;29;13
So if that's happening on the front side and then it's you and I talked about this 9 to 10 process is happening a little later on where I'm funneling everything toward anger. You can see already we've got two significant ingredients in the mix that make it harder for boys. And then I would say what I think happens a little farther down the road is culturally, then I think boys start getting bombarded with these messages like it's okay for girls to be sad.
David Thomas
00;10;53;16
It's not okay for boys to be say it's okay for girls to be scared. It's not okay for boys to be scared. So I think in the beginning, fewer words down the road, channeling everything toward anger. And then a little farther down the road, bombarded by messages that simply mean, you know, it's part of why I want to write this book.
David Thomas
00;11;10;08
We're just going to have to work harder in that space because boys can get stuck in any of those places. What about girls where you see them get stuck there?
Sissy Goff
00;11;17;10
Well, I was thinking when you said girls vocabulary gets bigger, I was thinking and their emotions get.
Melissa Trevathan
00;11;23;03
Bigger, too.
Sissy Goff
00;11;24;12
But in terms of stuckness for girls, one sentence I will never forget is a girl who said to me, I don't want to grow. I just want to be understood. And my immediate thought was, Well, you got the wrong counselor. That is, as in any agree one, that is not where I land. And I do see that with especially certain personalities of girls who we use this analogy, I think, and are my kids on track, that there are certain girls who come up against a roadblock and want to sit down in the dirt and draw pictures in the sand while they're there and aren't really interested in figuring out a way around it.
Sissy Goff
00;12;00;12
Because what happens is they feel like their emotions are invalidated. And I had a parent this week who talked to me about how her daughter just cannot get to a place where she can be positive, even though things are better in her life, she cannot say purely that they're better. And I said for some kids, if they only acknowledge the positive, they're dismissing the negative.
Sissy Goff
00;12;22;14
And they feel like those feelings aren't valid, they're not being heard. And so for certain kids, there is always a mix and we want to be aware of that with them. And you talked about this in a recent episode about parents who were timing their kids.
David Thomas
00;12;35;25
Parents who time themselves when they struggle to really listen. Yes, yes, yes. Because they bend too much toward challenge and not support.
Sissy Goff
00;12;43;22
Yes. With some of these kids, you're I'm totally telling on myself as a therapist, but I have a clock that I can look at where hopefully the person can't really tell them looking. And with those kids, I will make myself sit and listen for maybe 30 minutes, maybe a little bit longer. Even though I want to intervene and I want to intervene and I want to intervene because I know those kids need to be heard longer.
Sissy Goff
00;13;06;02
And if they don't feel heard, they're going to get stuck on purpose. And so that's one place that I feel like girls get stuck. And another is I have never thought about this until a session had last week with this amazing girl who is really intuitive and she second guesses herself and is in her head a lot about herself, as I think so many girls are, especially as they move towards adolescence.
Sissy Goff
00;13;29;29
And I finally realized, as she was talking about feeling like this friend was mad at her and this person was upset with her and something was wrong in this place and she was failing. And all these different spaces. And I have worked with her for a long time. I think we're on about two years to where she's finally saying the things that are in her head out loud.
Sissy Goff
00;13;49;10
And what I realized is that she takes things in by intuition. She has a superpower of intuition, and so she senses something is off with someone or the teacher's upset or something didn't go the way it was supposed to go. But she doesn't trust her intuition. She trusts her feelings more than her intuition. And so she immediately decides she did it.
Sissy Goff
00;14;10;16
She did something wrong. She made the mistake. The teacher's upset with her. The friend's upset with her, rather than your gut is so important. The older I get, the longer I counsel, the more I feel like we need to help girls connect to their gut. But feelings take priority over gut. And so she can't get to a place of truth.
Sissy Goff
00;14;27;28
And so she gets stuck in the shame and the self-hatred of I did something wrong rather than something feels off. It's probably not about me. So let me think through what it might be. And that's something I've noticed more and more with girls lately in terms of that step versus unstuck.
David Thomas
00;14;43;18
It's good stuff.
Sissy Goff
00;14;48;09
David, you know I love reading Bible stories with Henry. It's so fun to see him get excited about exploring God's story.
David Thomas
00;14;55;11
You know Sissy, reading the Bible with kids is one of the best ways to make all the tools we talk about more effective.
Sissy Goff
00;15;01;22
Yes, God made kids so incredibly amazing and the more they get to know God, the more they will understand how he made them. Which is why I'm so excited about the new Explorer Bible for kids coming out October 15th. I cannot wait to read it with Henry.
David Thomas
00;15;15;18
This Bible looks incredible. The team that created it likes to say the Explorer Bible for kids helps place God's word in the middle of God's world for kids. I love that this full text Bible uses the simple language of the Christian Standard Bible, which is a great translation for kids.
Sissy Goff
00;15;33;00
It also has engaging full color design so kids of all ages can explore and understand the Bible for themselves. It includes fun, facts, timelines, photography and more. I can't wait for Henry to explore this truly engaging Bible. To learn more about this great new Bible, go to ExplorerBibleforKids.com.
David Thomas
00;15;52;21
Grab your copy of the Explorer Bible for Kids today from Lifeway.com and get 50% off using code RBG.
Sissy Goff
00;16;05;24
Okay, you also have three R's. I love the three R's. Will you talk about that because I think those apply to girls too.
David Thomas
00;16;12;27
I do too. And I love teaching on the three R's because I think it is a skill set that I would really love all kids, boys and girls to have on the front side. And one we're using or should be using as adults every day in our lives together. So I'll name them first and then talk for a quick minute about what they are.
David Thomas
00;16;32;08
The three R's are recognize, regulate and repair and recognize is just paying attention to the signals my body is giving me when I'm having an emotional response. And I think that's...
Sissy Goff
00;16;46;06
Hallelujah! I need to do that too. I'm still learning.
David Thomas
00;16;48;14
Absolutely. We all are. And I think it's different for every person. Like I know some people who would say I start to feel hot inside my body. I can feel my neck and face getting red or my no.
Sissy Goff
00;16;58;23
Don't talk about that around me.
David Thomas
00;17;00;19
Now, let's say some people have it that way. Other people might feel tension in their back and neck. Some people clench their fist and grit their teeth. Some people, when they feel nervous, their heart starts to raise you know, there are all kinds of signs and signals. And the way I actually teach it in the workbook for Boys is it's kind of like the dashboard on a car.
David Thomas
00;17;20;27
The dashboard is going to signal us if the tire is low or if the oil needs changing or if we need to put gas in the tank. Or maybe a bigger problem like a check engine light. And as long as we're paying attention to those signals and responding accordingly, the car keeps working. But if I get a signal that my tires low and I ignore it, I'm going to end up with a flat.
David Thomas
00;17;43;00
Or if I don't put gas in the car, I'm going to end up on the side of the road and our bodies are really the same. Like if we don't pay attention to those signs and signals, if I don't learn how to name and navigate those emotions, like I could do some real damage to my body, to my heart, to my relationships, all the different things.
David Thomas
00;18;00;10
And so that's the recognized and then regulate is just employing helpful, healthy coping strategies. When our nervous system goes into a heightened state of arousal. And so it's really kind of the what to do part of the equation. And in the book, I walk families through kind of a blueprint of how to help kids make connections in these places.
David Thomas
00;18;23;23
And we talked just a little bit in the armor kits on track season about creating a space. I go way more into that in this book and how to do that and what it can look like for kids of different ages. And then coming up with what I call a top five lists, which are just those healthy strategies because I don't know if you'd say this is true sissy for girls, but I have a lot of boys who have a lot of strategies in play, but they're not helpful.
David Thomas
00;18;47;13
They're mostly numbing strategies like screens and substances, but they're not healthy, helpful things like breathing and movement. And so that's what's key. And, you know, even the numbing with screens like that's feeding the avoidance piece we talked about a little bit on the front side. So that's the regulate and then repair is taking ownership and doing any needed relational work, which is hopefully interrupting that blame to shame swing that I talked about seeing a lot of with boys.
David Thomas
00;19;14;18
What I say in the book and what I would always want to be saying to parents listening is that I think the longer we teach the first 2 hours, recognize and regulate, the hope is we don't need that third hour quite as much. We're needing the repair less of the time because we're doing the work of recognize and regulate on the ready.
David Thomas
00;19;33;28
And therefore I'm not finding myself walking back into those same stop places over and over again. So thanks for let me talk about 3 hours.
Sissy Goff
00;19;41;25
Oh, good. That's so convicting for me. The same to us as adults.
David Thomas
00;19;46;19
Oh, my goodness. I was practicing the 3 hours in the airport three days ago. Like, this is just good human work.
Sissy Goff
00;19;53;14
Yes.
David Thomas
00;19;54;05
Something we all need. Yeah.
Sissy Goff
00;19;56;09
Well, another thing I love, I mean, we can talk about so many things, but another thing I loved is that you had a definition for what emotionally strong boys look like. And I don't think I've ever seen you spell it out that way. And when you say the four things.
David Thomas
00;20;10;03
Yeah, the acronym is rare, right? Which is.
Sissy Goff
00;20;12;21
Oh, I didn't know you had an acronym. I didn't notice that.
David Thomas
00;20;15;04
Which is something I hope changes over time that it's not so rare to find boys who are emotionally strong because we're helping boys and kids in general just develop in these spaces. But it's resourceful, it's aware, resilient and empathetic.
Sissy Goff
00;20;29;21
That's so good.
David Thomas
00;20;30;13
And if you were put in four words to girls, what would you say?
Sissy Goff
00;20;33;16
Well, I need to come up with an acronym. I just kind of did this on the fly. I need some time to really think about the four words that came to my mind first. And some of this is because we had a parent consult with this amazing mom recently. And as I sat with her and was thinking about her as a parent, intuitive and intentional kept coming to my mind over and over and over.
Sissy Goff
00;20;53;24
And I want girls to learn to trust their intuition, because I do think that is a superpower for girls. And it's one of the things she needs really to navigate her life. She needs to learn to trust her intuition. So intuition and then not getting stuck in the intuition. So being intentional is taking what's happening inside of her and moving outward with it rather than the action going against herself, which is what so often happens with girls.
Sissy Goff
00;21;21;01
So intuition, intentionally moving outward, capable. I'm seeing more and more girls, which I think it's fascinating, more in this age of talking about empowering girls and women so much. And I'm seeing less of the trickle down than I've ever seen. And I think anxiety strips girls of believing that they're capable and with girls in the statistics on anxiety.
Sissy Goff
00;21;41;23
And so I think an emotionally strong girl is going to believe that she's intuitive. She can be intentional. I think she's going to believe that she's capable. And out of that, she's going to have confidence and not an arrogant confidence by any means, but trusting that God has given her some gifts and she can step into them. So many years ago I sat with a mom and I was talking to her.
Sissy Goff
00;22;04;18
She had a daughter who was anxious and I said, I want you to start reminding her that she's brave. And she said, I think that's going to be pressure. And I said, You're not telling her something. She has to rise into. You're reminding her of something God has already placed inside of her. And that feels so important as we think about helping kids who are insecure, who feel incapable, who feel anxious, reminding them of who God's already made them to be.
Sissy Goff
00;22;31;15
And that's what they get to step into. And so I love thinking about emotionally strong girls and boys and and there's so much we can do, even practically to equip them to move into that space. So let's see, that was to our three practical love that where you start us off.
David Thomas
00;22;45;06
I will I would start with even where we started in this conversation of we want to begin with an expansive emotional vocabulary. When I was doing the research for this book, there was a psychologist who described it in a great way. He said, You know how kids start with that small box of crayons in the beginning and, you know, think about that's their emotional vocabulary in the beginning, kind of mad, sad, scared.
David Thomas
00;23;06;14
And then we want to give them that next box of crayons that's bigger with more color options. And we're going to expand even farther than that and hopefully moving our kids to that really thick, big screen.
Sissy Goff
00;23;17;09
Or whatever the colors are. I don't even know what they are.
David Thomas
00;23;19;09
I know and I love that analogy of thinking about that over the long haul, but we don't began with that big box of crayons. We're just going to start with a smaller box and work toward that and what we're doing within that. And talk a little bit in the new book. I love the work of Dr. Susan David, who wrote a great book called Emotional Agility, and she talks about helping kids develop what she calls emotional granularity, where they can drill down, which we talk so much about, too, of what's underneath the anger.
David Thomas
00;23;47;22
Yes. You know, you talk so much about how often toddler age girls will show up as angry and rigid and inflexible. And there's some worry underneath there, how can we get to what's underneath? And so I love thinking about that. What practical idea would you add to the list?
Sissy Goff
00;24;02;03
You're just ringing my bell over and over. And I hope as we're moving towards the beginning of this season, it's making me so excited because it feels like there's so much that's applicable to us as grown ups, too. That's certainly our hope as you all are listening. So my second would be thinking with girls on, not only do they have big emotions, often the big emotions turn inward and that they can get stuck in those big emotions that go all the different directions.
Sissy Goff
00;24;28;24
I always feel like it's important to help girls, but I think you do boys to go back to a place of truth and to have some foundational truth. I was trying to think about even like, you know, we love code words with your family. Can you come up with like, what's your net or something that as they're falling that can catch them or just what's the truth that you know.
Sissy Goff
00;24;49;20
So and that's one of the things when I'm watching my clock for those kids who feel so big and I'm making myself sit in and even though I feel comfortable, that's what my last 15 minutes is. It's hard because with the big feelers, again, if they don't feel like we're hearing them, they're going to get bigger. And so to always start with, I can tell you're so frustrated or Gosh, that's got to be hard, or I can't even imagine what that's like for you that we're reflecting back.
Sissy Goff
00;25;16;02
But then to say, what do you know to be true? I think it would help to get to a place of truth. Right now. And if she's, you know, mad at all the things about herself to say, what else do you know might be true? You think your friend could have gotten an argument with her mom in the car on the way to school?
Sissy Goff
00;25;32;20
Could there be more to the story? Let's go back to a place of truth. I think that's always important. And for me to absolutely.
David Thomas
00;25;39;16
I'd end with a third idea that I talk about in the book of just encouraging parents to narrate their experience with kids so that they get to see all of what we're talking about today on the grown ups. They trust us in this world. So if you are leaving in the morning to take kids to school and you're running late and at the first stop sign, you start to do that first car and recognize you feel tension in your body.
David Thomas
00;26;04;29
What would it look like to narrate and model that for kids who say, You know what, I feel worried right now about being late. My body is telling me that I feel worried right now. And at the next stoplight, I'm going to turn on some worship music and kind of let that just wash over me or at the next stop sign, I'm going to do some deep breathing for 20 seconds.
David Thomas
00;26;23;17
Let's do that together so that kids get to see this in action. And I'll tell you, Sissy, when you were talking a little bit about intuition, in fact, all four of those things with girls, I had a beautiful picture of that this week in my office with a family I did an assessment with and the dad was narrating his experience driving to school.
David Thomas
00;26;42;28
And he has a lot of pressure. He owns some business and is worried, I think is a lot of people in the world are about this supply chain hurdles that exist still and his daughter had that week come home and learned a song at church about worry and she taught it to her parents at the dinner table. And he said, I was driving to school and started thinking about it.
David Thomas
00;27;01;11
And he said, Hey, sweetheart, teach me that song again about worry because I feel like I need that today. And his very intuitive daughter, too. Everything you're telling said, What are you worried about, Dad? And he answered in a really great age appropriate way and said, I have some hurdles at work and I'm worried people aren't going to get the things they need.
David Thomas
00;27;19;02
And I'm worried about my employees. She taught him the song and he dropped her off and rolled down his window and said, I love you. And she walked back toward the window and said, Dad, I'm going to pray for you today and about your worry and don't forget to sing that song back to yourself too. I love you too.
David Thomas
00;27;35;06
And I thought, Gosh, that's a beautiful picture of Paul and so many things we're talking about and how when he narrated his experience, it opened up opportunity, as you talked about, to really affirm her intuition and even the capable steps, like she's capable of encouraging her dad and offering some great things to him. In this moment.
Sissy Goff
00;27;54;26
I am picturing a mom with a teenage son trying to do that at a stoplight or a girl who says, Mom, stop it. I don't want to hear you talk about that again. Now, with adolescents, we would probably add modeling that narrating maybe a smidge because they only want to listen if it's about you for about 5 seconds.
Sissy Goff
00;28;14;04
But modeling it is equally.
David Thomas
00;28;16;07
Absolutely it is. Yeah. And don't dismiss the opportunity. We talk so much all the time on this podcast about kids learn more from observation than information. So they're watching, they're learning.
Sissy Goff
00;28;27;08
And we need to be doing it to. Yeah, yeah.
David Thomas
00;28;30;06
Just having this conversation makes me excited about all of where we're heading in season five.
Sissy Goff
00;28;35;10
I'm excited about the season two. So many good things, so many good conversations.
David Thomas
00;28;39;27
I can't wait to be with you all more.
Melissa Trevathan
00;28;47;01
All the songs are so much about expressing the emotions that we all have some 40 is one that I love and that speaks of the thirst as the deer pants for streams of water. So my so pants for you, my god. Massive thirst for the living God when can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night while people say to me all day long, Where's your God?
Melissa Trevathan
00;29;12;16
The accusations that are there. These things I remember the pour out my soul on verse five. I love it in the message. Why are you down the dumpster? So why are you crying the blues? And then his hope is a reminder of truth six lies on God Soon I'll be praising again He puts a smile on my face Oh, he's my God.
Melissa Trevathan
00;29;36;08
David talked so much about the 3 hours that I loved that of acknowledging those emotions and being able to speak of where you are. And that's what the psalmist has continually. Then he brings us back to truth. And to me, this is a picture of what David and Sissy are talking about in a practical way, that there is a freedom to go into the depths of our heart and express our thirst, our longing, our hunger, our fears.
Melissa Trevathan
00;30;06;07
I'll throw in a couple hours here myself, Juan, is relationship. And so it is in the context of relationship, a sense of safety that we can have in relationship because we have such fear of being rejected, of being attacked. But our hope and our longing is for people to know us, to understand us, which is really so much of what love is all we desire and the depths of us is to be loved.
Melissa Trevathan
00;30;37;13
I am reminded that this is illustrated in the experience of high school camp, which is where we've been most of the summer. One particular night they begin one by one to voice their feelings, their fears. You could hear words like, I'm not enough, I'm exhausting, I need to be everything. I ruined everything. I'm too much. When we hear words like that so often we want to give them a truth or say, No, you're not, or to give them a compliment.
Melissa Trevathan
00;31;14;09
But this is the moment after those emotions, those fears, those feelings have been expressed that truth can go deep. And this is when the kids begin to say one sentence back to them. It was simple. One said, What you say matters. Another said, It's okay to make mistakes. And another said, I like that you care so much. And others said, You make a difference in my life and this is when my second are would be received.
Melissa Trevathan
00;31;48;18
What does it mean to receive truth? How do we receive truth? Well, I think that when we're feeling a sense of helplessness and frustration and this is what happened next, the truth went deeper to the promises that God has given us. They began to look in their Bibles and offer a verse, but it was not from a mountaintop shouting down to someone in despair.
Melissa Trevathan
00;32;18;06
It was not from a place of I'm superior, and I've been through that and I know what you're feeling. It was more of, I really hear you. The relationship was one of, I love you. I'm not going to reject you. I'm not going to attack you. And so the depth of the promises that God has made went deeper.
Melissa Trevathan
00;32;41;21
It's not just truth bouncing off of our protective course, but it is truth. It goes deeper and the truth is from the Word of God, the written word of God, a living word of God, and those promises that can go so deep inside of us when we have had the courage, the bravery, that's as he talked about, to say I'm not enough and that they may be left with even just a phrase that John Eldredge talks about in his book on resilience.
Melissa Trevathan
00;33;15;15
It can be a phrase as simple as I want you to remember. You are left chosen, you're safe in the arms of Jesus, and that they may leave, saying to themselves, I'm laughed, I, I'm not feel it. I'm loved, I'm chosen, I'm safe in the arms of Jesus. Those words, your words go deep when we've allowed them to sit with us and be safe.
Melissa Trevathan
00;33;44;09
We tend to so much want to control their emotions and their feelings and their frustration. And and yet it's only when they've been able to feel safe enough with you to voice those fears, to voice those emotions, that they can move toward us and experience love for us to share and move toward them with love. We need to experience and receive the truth, the promises of God, and only when we as the cry out, Oh, why am I so down in the dumps?
Melissa Trevathan
00;34;24;20
Why am I crying? The blues is only when we can express that and express our feelings that we begin to say with confidence, Oh, I fix my eyes on God singing I'll be praising again. So the 2 hours it is through relationship, through you being a safe person, they will not move against them or away from them, but toward them in love that they are able to receive the truth of the promises of God.
Melissa Trevathan
00;34;59;20
That He will never leave them, He'll never forsake them, and that they are loved and chosen and safe in the arms of Jesus.
Erick Goss
00;35;14;10
Hi. I'm Erick Goss, dad of three and CEO of Minno. A streaming platform for Christian families. We can put so much pressure on ourselves as parents. Are we raising healthy kids? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we doing the right things to help nurture their emotional intelligence, their faith and their physical well-being? Are we guiding them? Well, the questions and the pressures are endless.
Erick Goss
00;35;37;00
But what if instead of trying to do it all our own way, we ask God, what is he doing in the lives of our children? Then come alongside His work. A few questions we can ask him in prayer. God, what are you doing or wanting to do in my child's life right now? And how can I join you and what you're doing?
Erick Goss
00;35;55;18
God, can you help me understand where they are and what they need? And we listen and actively wait for the Holy Spirit to show us what God is doing and how we can best support how He's working in our kids lives. The pressure is not on us for our children to know and love the Lord. We're working in partnership with the Holy Spirit.
Erick Goss
00;36;13;14
What a relief. Parenting is one of life's greatest and humbling journeys. Thank the Lord we don't travel alone.
Sissy Goff
00;36;22;22
It's our joy to bring the experience and insight we gain through our work beyond the walls of the Daystar house.
David Thomas
00;36;29;08
If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with your friends and don't forget to click the follow button in your favor podcast app so you never miss an episode to learn more our parenting resources or to see if we're coming to a city near you, visit our website at RaisingBoysandGirls.com.
Sissy Goff
00;36;49;23
Join us next time for more help and hope as you continue your journey of raising boys and girls.