Episode 84: Teaching Kids to Ward Off Anxiety by Focusing on Who They Are Not What They Do

After stepping away from a thriving career in TV, Paula Faris shares how she tries to help her kids focus more on who God created them to be and less on what they work to accomplish.

Automated Transcript

Sissy Goff

Welcome to the Raising Boys and Girls podcast. I'm Sissy Goff.

David Thomas

I'm David Thomas.

Melissa Trevathan

And I'm Melissa Trevathan.

Sissy

And we are so glad you've set aside a few minutes to spend with us today. In each episode of this podcast, we'll share some of what we're learning in the work we do with kids and families on a daily basis at base. Our counseling in Nashville, Tennessee. Our goal is to help you care for the kids in your life with a little more understanding, a little more practical help, and a whole lot of hope. So pull up a chair and join us on this journey from our little yellow house to yours.

Sissy

David, did you know that I had my first bunkin’ party with both boys last week?

David

What did you do?

Sissy

The question is, what do we not do? We did so much, and by the time we got baths and it was time for bed, I wasn't sure I could stay awake long enough to read books. And then I remembered that the Abide app has stories for kids and they can handle storytime for me.

David

I love that the folks that abide can give weary parents some help at bedtime by handling storytime.

Sissy

Yes, we were listening to Jonah. You can rhyme, but you can't hide. And when the reader said You may fall asleep before I'm done, I thought there was a great chance that might be true for me.

David

I remember reading to my kids at bedtime and them having to nudge me because I had fallen asleep mid-sentence. Thank goodness the folks at Abide can keep going if the grown ups accidentally nod off.

Sissy

Yes. Just one of the many great things the Abide app offers. Sleep better and find peace. Download the Abide app today and boost your mental, physical and spiritual health.

David

Right now we have a special offer for our listeners when you subscribe. 25% off your first year. When you sign up for the premium subscription. But only if you text the promo code RBG to number 22433.

Sissy

Don't wait. Download Abide Sleep and Pray Meditation today and text our promo code RBG to number 22433. Not the number sign just two, two, four, three, three today to get 25% off.

David

Paula Faris has spent well over two decades in broadcast television, including nine years at ABC News where she co-anchored Good Morning America weekend co-hosted The View and launch The Journeys of Faith with Paula Faris. She's reported on everything from politics, news and entertainment to sports and faith. Her first book, called Out, shares her story of transitioning out of her career to find her true calling. Now, Paula is using her platform to champion others, to know their true worth and equip them to be their best selves.

Sissy

We're so excited about this conversation, not only because we share a very dear friend. Yes, we do, but also because just in even getting ourselves set up, you have made us laugh. So hard.

David

Yes, you have.

Paula Faris

Unintentionally.

Sissy

Well, we feel like you have a lot of wisdom to share with our folks, too. So thank you for carving out the time with us. Thank you.

Paula

Sissy. I'm so grateful to be with the both of you. I've heard so much about you from the circle. And you mentioned our mutual friend Jeannie Canyon, who's a prolific author and a mother of five boys. Pray for her, please. But I'm really thrilled to join you guys. And thank you for wearing your Katie Couric journalist glasses. So you are in the mood.

Sissy

I seem very official today.

Paula

You do remind me of Ms.. Couric, I have to say. And that's a compliment.

David

What an incredible.

Sissy

Compliment. I have never been told that. And look, I've gotten mail.

David

Quite a few have made her day.

Sissy

Yes.

Paula

David, I have to figure out who you remind me of. Give me a little bit of time. Okay?

David

Okay. Okay. You report back.

Paula

I'm thinking Brad Pitt ish.

David

So exactly where I was hoping you land.

Sissy

That's so good. Okay. Well, speaking of official, I'm going to read this first question because the amount of things that you have done are so crazy impressive that I'm going to have to read it out because I couldn't get them all out of my own brain. So. Well, as a journalist and television correspondent, you have worked in some of the most fascinating spaces.

Sissy

You co-anchor, Good Morning America, World News Now! And America. This morning, you co-hosted The View and now hosted your own podcast, which we both love, by the way. So having intersected with people all over the globe, what are some common themes you've seen with people that have stayed with you?

Paula

I think at the end of the day, people just want to be seen and heard. Really? I mean, everyone wants to find their mark. And I think in this world where we're living in a world of comparison, constant comparison, no matter what our life looks like, right? Everyone is looking. They just want to be seen. They want to be heard because there's so much coming at you and we feel so little.

Paula

But at the same time, we are so special and we're so fearfully and wonderfully made. And there's only one of us. But, yeah, everyone wants to be seen.

David

Yes, I love that.

Paula

I love that.

David

Reminder policies you mentioned you have this incredible podcast, Faith and Calling that we love and have interviewed some dear friends of ours. What do you hope folks take away from your podcast and what have you learned and loved about the experience of interviewing so many different folks?

Paula

I love to have conversations with people. I wouldn't even call it an interview. An interview feels very formal. I just like to talk with people. You know, growing up, my nickname was Paula 20 questions. Could you just imagine how annoying I was? Like, Why? But why? It was never enough. So I finally put to good use, you know, and becoming a journalist with the podcast, I really like to talk to people from all different backgrounds about what they're called to do and who they're called to be.

Paula

It's something I'm really passionate. My first book, my only book, although I have another one coming out in March. Yay! It's about calling and finding your calling and how so often we associate our callings with our career, which I unfortunately did. And then when I tapped the brakes at the height of my career in 2018, when I was anchoring GMA, Good Morning America, sorry, and co-hosting The View, I didn't know who I was outside of it.

Paula

And I think we so often think that we have to do one thing for the rest of our lives, and then when that thing changes, we don't know who we are outside of it. So with calling, I just want to give people permission to try new things and new seasons. I firmly believe that we're called a different things in different seasons.

Paula

We have to first give ourselves permission to try something new. So that's really what I hope people I hope they're encouraged. I hope they laugh, I hope they learn. But yeah, just giving yourself permission to try new things, a new season, and knowing at the end of the day that you are so much more than what you do, that what you do is not your identity.

Sissy

I love that and we sure have experienced all those things listening to you. I love that you are, Paula. 20 questions because I think so much about how God uses all of it. You know that Madeleine L'Engle quote about we are every age we've ever been and those people that we are stay inside of us. And it's all part of what God uses to form our calling and who we continue to be.

Paula

So totally.

Sissy

Grateful. That's who you are because it's so much of how he uses you.

Paula

Today, you know? Yeah, I know a little bit, albeit annoying. I know. Like I said, I put it to good use. And that's I think the other thing too is God uses our unique talents and gifts that he's given us. You know, for me, I've just always been curious and I like to ask questions and I love to challenge people to and I like to champion people.

Paula

So it worked well in broadcasting, but I use that in every area of life to like focus on how God uniquely created you, your unique talents and gifts. Everyone has unique talents and gifts.

Sissy

Yes. And you're bringing this to motherhood, too. You have three kids. We'd love to hear about your family and something you feel like parenting has uniquely taught you.

Paula

I feel like I'm a better person because I'm a parent. I'm more empathetic, I'm more efficient. I can get so much done in 5 minutes, you guys. I can, like, take a shower and have dinner on the table in 5 minutes.

Sissy

That is impressive.

Paula

I'm so much more efficient, but I think what it's just taught me is to give myself grace a lot of grace, because I expected perfectionism for so long and I just realized, like, I can't carry it all and I can't do it all, and I have to give myself grace. But my children are just the loves of my life.

Paula

I'm I love them. I don't always like them. And I'm like, we don't always have to like each other. Right? But I love my kids. They are 15, 13 and eight. So I have a ninth grade daughter. So she just started high school and then I have a seventh grade son. He's 13 and then I have a third grader, Landon, who's eight years old.

Paula

We're in that whole three drop offs and three separate pick up situation, which is going to be like that from here on out. Yes. Well, my kids are great. I love this new season. People have asked, when are you going to get back in television? And I'm like, hey, why do I have to like again, I don't have to do one thing for the rest of my life.

Paula

I love our life. I love we're living a quiet life in South Carolina. We moved from New York City and just being able to be present with my children to still pursue my passions. And I hate that word balance. I don't think you ever really feel balanced, but I do feel like I am able to be really present as a mother now that they're older.

Paula

I didn't realize how much they were going to need me when they were older. I thought, You know, I want to be there when they're babies, but they need me more. So now, I think more emotionally and mentally, right? Not so much physically, except for I am their chauffeur. So physically, yes. Parenthood is just like a lifelong journey of learning, right?

Paula

Learning and loving.

Sissy

David, it's almost time for Christmas.

David

I am so excited. All of my kids at home together in one place. I cannot wait. What are you most excited for this Christmas?

Sissy

Well, you can guess. Christmas with little ones is always so much fun. I love experiencing Christmas through the eyes of Henry with.

David

I do miss those days. Okay. What gifts are you getting the sweet boys this year?

Sissy

Well, I'm still trying to figure that out, thinking a lot of construction tools. But speaking of gifts, I've been telling so many people that the Explorer Bible for kids is the perfect Jesus centered Christmas gift.

David

It really is. When kids are ready for their first full text Bible and even before they are officially ready. Because let's be honest, even younger kids will love all the pictures and charts and other visuals in this Bible. The Explorer Bible makes an incredible and meaningful Christmas gift.

Sissy

I think I may have to get one for Henry and Whit this year. Even though they're little, it makes a wonderful family bible kids can grow into.

David

What a great idea with the clear language of the Christian standard Bible translation and engaging for color designs. Kids of all ages can explore this Bible.

Sissy

I think I may get them the adorable leather one with a rocketship on it. It's super cute. Our special listener promo code works with all editions of the Explorer Bible for Kids Use Code RB G to get 50% off any Explorer Bible at life.

David

Wacom Paula. In this season of our podcast, we are focusing on raising emotionally strong and worry free kids and would love to ask you what is a favorite memory or story from growing up that shaped you into who you are?

Paula

So two distinct memories. One is one of our dear friends. The Bartels used to come over every weekend. And again, Paula, 20 questions. I would go through everything in her purse, including things that she probably shouldn't have had in her purse, and challenged her on why she had said things in her purse that shouldn't have been in her purse.

Paula

I think she just kind of fostered my curiosity and allowed me to be that inherent challenger. And I give her a lot of credit for guiding me into this curious question, asking challenger and champion that I am today. The other memory, very distinct, is I love Michigan football. I was born and raised about 20 minutes from the University of Michigan.

Paula

My dad went to Michigan, my family went to Michigan. Some of my favorite memories that have shaped me to who I am are tailgate at the games on Saturdays and also watching the games with my dad. So this was like something that just my dad and I did together. I was the youngest of four. I've always been obsessed with Michigan football.

Paula

To this day. My kids are not allowed to watch a michigan football game with me because I turn into not the best version of myself. Okay, so boundaries, right? But it's something that's always been near and dear to me. So much so that when my dad passed away a couple of years ago, he was in hospice and I wanted to do one last special thing with him and take him to a michigan game, because that was always our thing.

Paula

Even when I graduated from high school and college, I'd still go back to Michigan and we'd find a time to go to a game together. So I made the arrangements to get him out of hospice, you know, and have the special transportation. And we went to a game and it was one of the more memorable, probably the most memorable thing that I did with my dad, because they all came full circle.

Paula

And for us it was so much more than a sport. It was something that really bonded the two of us together and something that, you know, my sisters didn't share that bond with my father and my brother didn't share that bond. I think we each have unique bonds with our parents and for my dad and I was always Michigan.

Paula

Football is our thing.

Sissy

I love hearing that story. Yes. Yes. Well, to think about your kids and this journey, hopefully we're all on of becoming more emotionally strong and worry free. What would you say has helped them move towards that?

Paula

I find it ironic that you're talking to me about having emotionally strong and worry free kids because my youngest has an anxiety disorder. I'm parenting without a playbook, but my playbook is asking other parents who've gone before me, okay, help me with this. What is your best advice to you? I think one of the best bits of advice that I've had is to be quick to apologize.

Paula

As parents, we think that we have to present that we have it all together. And I want to show my children that I am a flawed human being and I need forgiveness and I make mistakes and it's okay, but you have to offer that apology. So I'm like, we have to be quick to say I'm sorry, and then even quicker to say I forgive you.

Paula

So we're that family where we own our flaws and we acknowledge them and then we are quick to forgive one another of our flaws. I just want my kids to know they don't have to be perfect. They don't have to have it all together. That I don't care what they do for a living. I care about the character and kindness.

Paula

It's so crazy. Your kids can come from the same parents and the same home and they can be completely different. Yes, my oldest daughter, Caroline, is just an academic and she is studious and she's athletic too. So she's made the varsity volleyball team as a ninth grader. If she's an Enneagram, she's probably a three. She's a high achiever.

Paula

She's probably going to be valedictorian. You know, she's a rotary scholar. And she gets all kinds of awards. And then my second I remember on awards day, Caroline got 14 awards and JJ got none. So how do you acknowledge her hard work? Yes. Without saying, that has been my challenge as a parent having vastly different children to validate them and to encourage them in their true worth and their true value outside of their accomplishments.

Paula

Yes, I want to acknowledge my daughter's hard work and look at the fruits of that, but that is not your value at the end of the day. And for my son to who doesn't get the awards and the acknowledgment and the claim that my daughter does, I want him to know hard work matters more. I care more about their character, who they are, who God has created them uniquely to be, then what they're going to do with their lives, right where they're going to work, what they're going to go to school for.

Paula

I'm like, Who do you want to be? What kind of person do you want to be? Not What do you want to do? So it was a very long winded answer.

Sissy

Oh, I love that answer.

David

Thank you to Paul. What is one state that you wish someone had said to you as you started the parenting journey? If you think back on the front side of parenting.

Paula

I wish someone would have told me that you're never going to figure it all out. And I was even just praying this morning like, Lord, help me to just embrace that journey. I think you feel like at some point you're going to reach this pinnacle and this summit and the mountaintop and have it all together, and you're just not going to.

Paula

It's a lifelong journey and a lifelong process, and you're always a parent. And again, to give yourself grace, to know that there are going to be days where you disappoint your children, to give yourself grace, to keep the glass balls in the air and let the plastic ones fall. You're going to drop balls every single day as a parent.

Paula

Keep the main thing, the main thing, keep those glass balls in the air and let the plastic ones fall. And tomorrow's a new day and it's a journey. And take your kids along with you, right? Invite them into the process.

Sissy

Yes.

Paula

And I also wish someone would have told me that I'm going to send my kids to therapy for something.

David

That's great.

Sissy

Yes. Yes, that's good. Well, in the realm of therapy, we talk so much as we're processing emotions about also arming ourselves with truth. And so for you as a parent and as a person, what is one truth that you would say helps you worry less?

Paula

I think I worried more so when I was younger. I'm not an inherently anxious, worrisome person, which is why it's been a little difficult to connect with. My youngest, who has a generalized anxiety disorder, and he's worried that the nuclear plant around the corner is going to blow up and that we're not going to pick him up from school.

Paula

Right. And so he transfers his anxiety on to everything in the situation and has been diagnosed with Tourette's and tics. So trying to navigate that. But I think one thing that has really helped me is I say that verse and Philippians, don't be anxious about anything, but in everything with prayer and petition, present your request to God. In the peace that passes, all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Paula

But that God acknowledges that we're going to be anxious. He wouldn't acknowledge it if it wasn't going to be present in our life. One verse that has really been for me, like a champion of truth in these times, especially the last five years in this world, you will have trouble, but take heart for I've overcome the world and we were never promised a pain free, painless, peaceful life.

Paula

If anything, we are promised the opposite. We will have trouble. But we can take heart because that final move on the chessboard, Lord, is God. So what good is it going to do for me to worry about it? Is worrying about the situation going to change it and if not, then I'm not going to allow myself to worry about it because the only thing that that's doing is tearing me apart.

Paula

And I can know at the end of the day, without a shadow of a doubt that it's all going to work out no matter what it feels like in the moment. That final move on the chessboard belongs to God and he has the victory. So no matter what's going on around me and the circumstances, I can keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and tap into the perfect peace and know that despite my circumstances, God's got the final move.

David

I love that me to Cissy, are you excited about the chosen season three?

Sissy

I am. I love that this new season starts out with Jesus teachings in the Sermon on the Mount. It's one of my favorites.

David

Me, too. You know, even though many of us are already familiar with the life of Jesus, the chosen is such a great way to experience it in a brand new way.

Sissy

Yes, there's just something about seeing the turmoil and tension unfold right before your eyes.

David

It really makes the story come alive.

Sissy

And it really makes it unforgettable. Everyone can watch the chosen season three for free by downloading the chosen app. Episodes will start being released before Christmas visit.

David

The Chosen Tickets dot com for more information. That's the chosen tickets dot com.

David

Okay, Paul, we like to end with something fun.

Paula

Where are we doing part question?

David

You're so fast. I know.

Paula

What I thought. This was like a 60 minute therapist. I have so many questions to ask you guys.

David

Yeah, we'll do part two here soon.

Paula

When do I get to tap into your knowledge and wisdom?

David

As soon as we get you in Nashville. That's what's going to happen. We're working so hard to get you and Jeanie in the city same time.

Sissy

Oh, that would be.

David

We're not going to throw in the towel on that. Yeah, I.

Paula

Don't think we could be in the same city. It wouldn't be prepared for us.

Sissy

It would combust.

Paula

It would combust.

Sissy

Yes.

David

Let's start with a visit. You're both here for a visit at the same time.

Paula

I can do that.

David

All right. And we're going to take you for some great food when that happens. This is a food related question. Okay. So part one is, okay, so organic. And then part two is, what's your favorite taco.

Paula

Queso then go back or both. Oh, so Quacomole. Wait, no. Am I pronouncing...

David

That is brilliant.

Sissy

That is brialliant.

Paula

Guacameso? Guacaqueso? Okay. I mix it all together.

Sissy

I want a pillow that says that in my house. Yes, I love that.

Paula

Yes. Okay. Can I say a margarita too with it?

David

Yes, you can.

Paula

All right.

David

We'll join you for that.

Paula

What was the second question? All I can think about is queso.

David

Favorite kind of taco.

Paula

Ooh... My favorite kind of taco. Beef taco. Like the Taco Bell type of beef. Okay. A beef taco. Corn shell. Yes. Shredded lettuce, some tomatoes and sour cream.

Sissy

Hard or soft corn shell?

Paula

Oh, crunchy, crunchy. Okay. I love my crunchy girl. I like crunchy everything. Especially potato chips and Cheetos and all the things that aren't good for a 47 year old woman I've found out.

Sissy

Oh, Paula, it just is delightful to get to talk with you.

Paula

You two. Are we really finished? I feel like we just started. I know we're just getting warmed up.

Sissy

Me too. But you're so fast.

Paula

I'm super fast.

Sissy

You’re so quick and thoughtful.

David

She's every bit as fun as our friend Jeannie said.

Paula

Yeah, I'm a “fire, aim, ready” type of person, so I just go for it and then I'm like, “Oh, that's a bad idea.” That's just how I roll. Like, I get in the car, I start moving and then I adjust my mirrors. So yeah I am fast.

Sissy

Now you mentioned the Enneagram. What number are you on the Enneagram?

Paula

I'm an eight.

Sissy

You are?

Paula

Yes, I'm an eight. But I think it took me a while. And, you know, they say you can't change. I don't think you change types, but I think you can grow into your type based on and it's a whole nother topic of discussion, but, you know, growing up in a very conservative Christian home where I felt like, you know, my parents were like, you're a little much, Paul.

Paula

I just back up a little bit, you know, like to be a little bit more ladylike, you know. Quiet.

Paula

I feel like I wasn't able to really grow into my healthy eight ness. And I love, like, the thing that gets me most excited is to help my friends succeed and to champion people to become the best version of themselves. Now, I have to be careful that I don't push people to the edge and then push them off because I want it so bad for them, you know?

Paula

So I've had to realize and that's one thing I find helpful. And I know a lot of therapists don't like the Enneagram, but I think for me it's the one psychological tool that has really helped me because I become more self aware of how I can come across to people. But I'm an eight. But I also say like if I'm a three wheeler or two of my wheels are an eight, that my third wheel is a three in my spare tires a one.

Paula

So I have a lot of like accomplishment achiever.

Sissy

I like that.

Paula

A little bit of, you know, paralysis by analysis, perfectionism going on, which I think I really felt like I was the one growing up. I wouldn't go for things. I wouldn't attempt anything because like, if I can't be perfect at it, then I'm not going to try it. So I wouldn't try things. Instead of just allowing myself to fail forward.

Paula

And you know, anyway, yes, that's a whole other discussion. I'll sit on your couch and have some tissues nearby for that conversation. Okay.

Sissy

You would love that one. But I think even in what we're talking about, about God using all of it and who he's forming as to be the fact that that was obviously a painful place growing up for you and that you are now obviously so intentionally giving your kids room to be who they are and wanting to champion that even as you're celebrating them.

Sissy

And what you were talking about a few minutes ago. So I'm so grateful.

Paula

They're good kids and I'm not going to be perfect. And I tell them I will all you know, and even yesterday, I mean, I screwed something up royally, was a total mom veil. And I just told my daughter, I'm like, I'm I'm sorry I let you down. And, you know, will you forgive me? Yeah, it's fine, Mom. Don't worry about it.

Paula

Yes, it's hard as it is. Sometimes we think we have to be the strong towers of strength. I think the greatest gift we can give our children is the power of apology and forgiveness. And being so quick to say I'm sorry and even quicker to say I forgive you to not hold grudges, right? Yes.

Sissy

Yes. Well, as much pressure as kids face today, that feels especially freeing.

Paula

Totally. Thank you.

Sissy

Thank you. Well, I hate to ask the last official question then.

Paula

Okay.

Sissy

But we you just tell folks how they can find your podcast, where they can tell me a little bit about your book, too, and the process a little more about it, all the things.

Paula

Okay, so you can keep up with me on Instagram. I don't understand Tik Tok or Snapchat, so don't try to find me there. I may have a fake account, but that's not me. But it's at Paula Faris on Instagram. I love to connect with people. That's where you can find me. I'm writing a new book. It's pretty much finished.

Paula

Yes, I can show you the cover. It it's called You Don't Have To Carry It All.

Sissy

Oh, that's beautiful.

Paula

Ditch the mom. Guilt and find a better way forward. You know, we talk about giving ourselves permission to try new things. And I really felt like God put it on my heart years ago to just champion mothers and families, especially mothers in the workplace. The reality is the majority of mothers have to work these days. We don't have the option to stay home and to make the workplace a friendly environment that celebrates motherhood instead of scrutinizes it.

Paula

So I formed Carry Media earlier this year. Carry means we want to help carry your burdens. Right? And it's biblical, but our slogan is Being working moms should work and we hope to enact change for working moms by storytelling. That's the media aspect. So I love carnivals. Yeah, we have a weekly newsletter called The Carry All. It's a weekly newsletter for and by working moms that just lightens their load, gives them a laugh with a sword in their hand, keeps them in the know.

Paula

And it's just been a really great place to beat the drum for working moms. So that's my passion in the podcast. Yes, about my podcast, I do a podcast, poliovirus podcast or Faith in Calling podcast where I talk to people about what they're called to do and who they're called to be and carry. Media was really born out of my own story of calling, you know, being called out of broadcasting and trying this new entrepreneurial space of founding a company which is terrifying and keeps me up at night and gives me night sweats.

Paula

But yes, sometimes God calls us to things that are uncomfortable but embrace the discomfort and the fear along with the peace that you're supposed to go for it. So that's where I am. It's just been so great. I love it.

Sissy

Well, thank you for all the good you're putting out into the world in so many places because there is so much in so many different lanes. Paula, you're helping so many people.

Paula

Oh, well, I just feel like to him whom much is given, much is expected. And it's really how God wired me. I really love to champion people. I do apologies if I push you off the edge while I'm trying to help you out myself sometimes. But it's just how I'm wired to God made me well.

Sissy

We're grateful for you to join us in this conversation and let us be a part of it. Thank you.

Paula

Katie Couric, you did a great job.

Sissy

Thank you. I'm going to walk a little taller all day.

Paula

You should.

David

Thank you for giving us your time.

Paula

Thank you for inviting me on. It's really been an honor.

Sissy

It's our joy to bring the experience and insight we gained through our work beyond the walls of the Daystar house.

David

If you enjoyed this conversation, please share it with your friends and don't forget to click the follow button in your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode to learn more about our parenting resources or to see if we're coming to a city near you, visit our website at Raising Boys and Girls dot com.

Sissy

Join us next time for more help and hope as you continue your journey of raising boys and girls.

Guest UserNovember 29, 2022

Episode 84: Teaching Kids to Ward Off Anxiety by Focusing on Who They Are Not What They Do

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